Why Are You Single??

POF profile photo

"My friends would describe me as a woman who loves to laugh, dance (bachata, salsa, merengue) and travel (for work and relaxation). I'm also loyal, giving and very close to my family.  I am not religious but do have a spiritual relationship with God.  I believe this relationship is different from person to person and judging others' beliefs and their spiritual journey is something I do not tolerate.

I travel quite a bit for work but when I'm home I enjoy spending time with my family, volunteering, reading, cooking and dancing. Life is so very short and I do believe it's meant to be enjoyed and spent with people you love and who love you in return.  My ideal match would grow to be my best friend. I'm waiting for a spiritual man whose considerate of my time, space and feelings. A man whose consistent, willing to communicate and honest about what they are communicating. I will absolutely not tolerate liars, being disrespected, inconsistency and a man who brings drama to my door... instead, my ideal match will also love to laugh, dance or be willing to learn and share their passions with me."

That was my online profile which I posted on "Plenty of Fish" October 12, 2013.   Prior to the online profile I never really 'dated' in the past.  I met someone, we go out and somewhere in the 'dating honeymoon phase' I find myself with a boyfriend or in a long term relationship.  So this was my attempt at dating.  My standards were:  1) NO coffee or lunch dates - take me to dinner! 2) NO sexual conversation 3) I will meet you at the agreed upon location at the agreed upon time (I live alone and as a single woman I do NOT want everyone knowing where I live) and 4) if you are more than 30 minutes late do not expect me to be there.  After 5 weeks I deactivated my account as I was going on a business trip for two weeks and would not have the time to put in the effort needed to 'date' online.  I admit I was also exhausted!  In those weeks I found myself on 12 first dates, 5 second dates and 3 third dates.  While I did not met my partner, soulmate, my Nemo, there were definitely plenty of fish and it was a great experience. 

Each man was different in age (28 - 37), level of education (HS - PhD), number of languages spoken varied (Russian, Spanish and of course they all spoke English), single, divorced, 5'6" - 6'4", Latin, Black or White.  But one thing they all had in common, the one thing they all asked me on the first date:  So, why are YOU single?  Some would follow up with, "You seem like such a cool person..." or "You are smart, gorgeous, no kids...I could not believe you were single!"  And while I am sure that question is meant to be a compliment, let me tell you gents what we women hear, "So what is wrong with you?"  As my friend noted, nobody meets a married woman and casually asks her, "So, why are you married?"  Therefore, the implication is marriage = success!  Single = failure or a fault within you that is keeping you in that social category.  The other reason this question is absolutely ridiculous is how do you answer such an inquiry?  Anything we woman might say is seen as a weakness, a fault, an area in our lives which may need improvement or fixing.  I have answered it in various ways but here are my top two responses:

Another profile photo

Example #1:

Me:  I just have not found the right person.

Him #1:  Or maybe you have but were too picky and missed out.

Him #2:  How can you meet the right person when you are never in the country?

Him #3:  Really?  I would think a beautiful woman such as yourself would meet men all the time.  I was surprised you were free.  I thought your calender would be full of men wanting to take you out.  (I gave this man the side eye because AGAIN, any answer you give is a negative.  "Yes, this is true" implies PICKY SLUT! "No, not really" implies PICKY B*TCH! But I digress...)

Example #2:

Me:  As I mentioned in my profile, I travel quite a bit for work.

Him #1, #2 and #3:  Well how can you expect to settle down if you are never in the country?  Do you really think you have the time to truly date and meet someone?  When do expect to slow down - I mean you aren't getting any younger ...

On the first date a woman wants to display her best qualities.  She takes the time to iron her clothes, put on her make-up so that is appears natural but brings out her beautiful features, wears the perfect shoes, dabs on her favorite perfume.  She smiles when she greets the man to let him know she is happy to see him as well as to assist him in relaxing, "I am happy to finally meet you" is what that smile is communicating.  She appears to not be too picky when it comes to the wine selects and while she may want a dozen chicken wings or a rack of ribs, she chooses an entree which she will have to eat with a fork and knife.  Then this question.  The answer is nothing she can put a positive spin on.  No response will be good enough.  Anything she says will instantly make her self conscious, "Maybe I am the reason I am still single.  He thinks I am great but maybe I am too picky?  Maybe I do not have enough time to date?  Maybe work is too much of a priority?"  And when a woman becomes self conscious she becomes unsure of herself subconsciously.  She goes home, calls her girlfriends to discuss the date and 'that' question wondering if she answered it ok.  Wondering, now, if you will even call such a picky, busy b*tch. 

So men, a piece of advice.  If you are truly interested in the woman on which you are having this amazing first date, then instead do not ask her about her past.  It is the first date!  Talk about something fun, light, enjoy her company.  Do not worry about why she is single, the last time she was in a relationship, the last time she had sex or kissed a man.  GET TO KNOW HER.  Get to know her through this mutually shared process - in that moment which you will never get back and if you marry her, will always remember and tell your children.  Do not build your opinion on her past moments.  Besides, why do you care WHY she is single?  Lucky you!  Because if she were in a relationship you would not be on that first date enjoying her company.

XOXO,

Phoebe.  Single.  35 (almost).  No kids.