Even a "non-negotiable" is ... negotiable

In any relationship there must be standards set and followed to ensure a healthy, respectful relationship.

To even get in the door, if a man expects to date me, I ask for my 5 basics (as I have mentioned in a previous post):

1. Be considerate of my time, space and feelings
2. Be consistent
3. Good communication skills
4. Honest about what you are communication

After the first four are established and when the time is right:
     5.  Sexual compatibility

Over the past 4 months while William and I have not always seen eye to eye there has been an effort to work through these issues for a better way forward in our relationship.  And in the end he has proven to be a good guy ~ dependable, God-fearing and has a huge heart, all of which I need in my life. Plus he is able to deal with me *nuff said*

But let us be honest with ourselves.  The first 5 are great for the foundation of a relationship but if one is planning long term a list of 'non-negotiable' or deal breakers must come into play.  I discussed the list with my mother the night before and while she said it was a good list she said, "But remember Phoebe, in any relationship even a non-negotiable is negotiable except in the case of abuse..."  I thought about what she said and the next day I met with William to do lunch and discuss this list.

William's list was so simple.  It consisted of two things:

1. Being unfaithful
2. Not supporting him in his career as a musician

I looked at my list.  I had TEN things!  And oops how could I forget to add unfaithful ... so now my list is at 11!  Nevertheless, I went in strong -- I thought "My non-negotiables make sense.  How could anything be negotiated?"

The original list:

1. An abusive man (verbally, sexually (if I say no, it’s no, even in marriage) or physically). 
2. An unfaithful man.
3. A man with whom I do not share similar spiritual beliefs, who will not attend church, pray with me, who challenges my personal relationship with God and with whom we cannot agree on how we should raise our children spiritually.
4. A man who does not have a steady (9a to 5p) job.  
5. A man who cannot or refuses to communicate.  
6. A man who is not forgiving and holds grudges.
7. A man who is not consistent.  What you did to get me, you must continue doing to keep me. 
8. An unaffectionate man and a man with whom I am not sexually compatible. 
9. A man who is not considerate of my time (be on time or alert me that you will be late), space (sometimes we need to hang out with our friends – jealousy is not tolerated if I have not given a man a reason to feel jealous) and feelings (see #1 and 4).
10. A man who MUST live in Maryland, Maine, anywhere in the mid-west and Texas.  
11. A man who doesnt make me feel wanted / appreciated / loved and for me, the way to do this is by spending healthy quality time together

 An hour later ... the list after negotiations took place:

1. An abusive man (verbally, sexually (if I say no, it’s no, even in marriage) or physically). 
2. An unfaithful man.
   
3. A man with whom I do not share similar spiritual beliefs, who will not attend church, pray with me, who challenges my personal relationship with God and with whom we cannot agree on how we should raise our children spiritually.
4. A man who does not have a steady (9a to 5p) job.  A man who is not financially responsible.
• As a musician, William may never have a "9-5p" so to ask this was unfair.  As long as he is the main provider for a future household if it comes to that.
5. A man who cannot or refuses to communicate.  A man who says things to be spiteful and / or hurtful during a disagreement.
• You have to communicate with me to get this far so this was redundant.  However, a man who says things to be spiteful or hurtful has got to go!
6. A man who is not forgiving and holds grudges.
7. A man who is not consistent.  What you did to get me, you must continue doing to keep me. 
• With age things change.  I guess I cannot expect him to do EVERYTHING he did when we started dating in our 30s ... however, I need his heart, faithfulness and loyalty to remain the same.
  
8. An unaffectionate man and a man with whom I am not sexually compatible.  A man who withholds affection out of spite.
• Since "sexual compatibility" is redundant I revised this to reflect the real deal breaker.
9. A man who is not considerate of my time (be on time or alert me that you will be late), space (sometimes we need to hang out with our friends – jealousy is not tolerated if I have not given a man a reason to feel jealous) and feelings (see #1 and 4). A controlling man.
• Since "considerate" is again redundant, I replaced this one with "A controlling man".  I need my man to be confidant in our relationship
10.  A man who MUST live in Maryland, Maine, anywhere in the mid-west and Texas.  Yes, this was completely removed.  Instead we discussed why I didnt want to live in these areas and a compromise:
• First, I explained the "WHY" ~ These are areas I do not want to raise my children in based on education ratings of public schools.  PRIOR to raising children, we can live anywhere in the country or the world.  However, once children are involved, Fairfax VA is non-negotiable unless by this time the ratings have dropped miserably.    
• If as the man of household he still wants to live in one of the aforementioned places then he must budget paying for private education for our children from grades 1 - 12.
11. A man who doesnt make me feel wanted / appreciated / loved and for me, the way to do this is by spending healthy quality time together.

 In the end, I guess momma was right again.