After checking in, we were paired up and on our way to spread smiles around the nursing home! My 'buddy' and I sat with three interesting and animated women: Ms. Pat from West Virginia, Ms. Ester from New Jersey and Ms. Mildred from North Carolina. We entered each room with a "hello" and a smile across my face. The three women opened up almost immediately returning the greeting and smiles. They also spoke candidly, without a filter. And as women tend to do, they quickly inquired about our personal lives, and us into theirs. And I am glad we experienced this exchange as I believe it enhanced our experience. We not only experienced great conversation and laughter but also received some words of wisdom on LOVE and MARRIAGE.
Ms. Pat on love and marriage: "Never get married! I have been single for a long time and plan to die happily that way!" When we asked Ms. Pat why she would say this she bluntly explained, "Because those muthaf*ckas change! My husband was ugly, mean, selfish ..." My 'buddy' asked her, "But you were in love once ... what made you fall in love with him?" Ms Pat shared, "We met young - he was in the Navy. I do not remember how we met but we were both from West Virginia. His father was a Navy man too! Oh he looked good in a uniform! He was so handsome. So sweet. Then he became a wife beater and the hands (pause) the hands he used to love me with he started putting around my neck. He changed. He went from loving me to beating me. (pause) I never cheated on him. I was a married woman - married to a monster, but married. I finally left. Left to save the 5 kids we had. I had to save the kids ..." she trailed off and silence followed for a few brief moments. Just as abruptly as she started her advice, she ended it, moving on to discuss the pending verdict in the Zimmerman case which was on the TV in the background. Her candid advice and story made me think, "Do you ever know a person well enough to predict the changes which may occur in their personality as they grow older?" Or do we miss key red flags because of their physical appearance, never looking past the superficial layer of skin to truly see into the heart and soul of a person? Never taking time to notice key personality traits and how they express those: how do they express love? hate? anger? Are you ok with how they express their emotions? Change is to be expected - especially if you are with a person for a long period of time. The key is KNOWING who you are dating and may marry. Advice which we received from Ms. Ester.
Ms. Ester on love and marriage: "Fish around!" Her advice was specific:
- "Know your man! What does he like to do? What does he like to eat? Where does he like to go? If a man feels as though you KNOW him, you will have him. And when you have that fish on the line, slowly pull him in by being supportive of things he likes to do, cooking what he likes to eat and joining him in places he likes to go."
- "Men love to be spoiled. They are like babies. They need to be fed, require lots of attention and when they 'cry' know what they want to shut them up!"
- "Men love hair - keep your hair nice."
- "Expect only two things: respect and understanding. Not love. You may not love him every day and he may not love you everyday but if you understand each other - that is key. And respect. There are no 'bosses' in a marriage. Understand how your mate is and respect that. If you have those two things...happiness...and happiness is a good thing!" and finally,
- "Marry a man with money! In a marriage you are going to need and want a lot of things. A broke man can't do nothing for you! (She ain't never lied!) Even if you both work, he needs to have some money! And if you find this man with money, let me know if he has a grandfather!" I got you Ms. Ester! haha
When I asked Ms. Ester how many years she spent with her husband she said, "Too many to count. One day I was graduating from high school and the next day I was married to my sweetheart. We were happy for a very long time (pause) ... until we divorced. I cannot remember how long we were married when we divorced...he found someone else that he loved more than me. And that was ok. I understood him ... I was also doing my thing and he understood me. I was not angry - it was ok." It was the 'death' of fidelity and love which parted Ms. Ester from her husband. Even though they divorced, Ms. Ester smiled when she spoke of her years in marriage. By her story, respect and understanding survived which allowed the divorced to be as amicable as it could be. As Ms. Ester was telling her story I noticed the eyes of her roommate, Ms. Mildred. She was staring off, blinking slowly as if she were in another place, her mind occupied. What is on her mind? What does she have to say about love and marriage? There was 45 minutes left to visit and I planned to ask. I am glad she was the last to speak on love and marriage ...
Ms. Mildred on love and marriage: Ms. Mildred is a quiet woman who recently celebrated her 101st birthday. You would expect someone at her age to suffer from memory loss, loss of certain physical abilities and in pain. But Ms. Mildred remained sitting straight up in her bed, sipping her chocolate Ensure for breakfast following our conversation with Ms. Ester offering moments of short chuckles and head nods. She spoke clearly when addressed and made perfect lady like eye contact so that you knew she was listening to your every word. After her roommate, Ester, finished sharing her advice on love and marriage I asked the 101-year old Mildred how many years she shared with her husband. In a soft, but clear voice, she replied, "I cannot count the years of our marriage. I have been married for a very long long time. For as long as I can remember I have been one with that man." She spoke of him in present tense even though her husband died many years ago. The only jewelry she wore was a gold cross around her neck, no wedding ring, but his pictures and the pictures of their children, grand children and great grand children surrounded her. She still remains 'one' with him through her memories and her heart. While his body is physically not beside her as her husband, their love remains within her - her spirit, her being. Death has not parted her from her lifelong spouse. "Until death do you part..." is not true for Mildred. While death as parted her from her spouse physically, it has not parted her from him emotionally and she continues to love him every day of her life.Living, dating and loving in a superficial, self-gratifying, self-centered generation/society, I do not know if I will be as blessed as Ms. Mildred to meet my 'forever love' but the pieces of advice I am taking away from my visit today: 1) get to know your partner, 2) respect what you learn, 3) take time to understand them as they are and 4) expect nothing, cherish everything. #lovewisdom I look forward to visiting these ladies again in the near future! Have a great Saturday! *sips frozen margarita*
