The Friendzone Myth

"What if I told you most guys friend zone themselves?" There is a current myth that women place men to whom they have no romantic or even sexual attraction to in this dating purgatory called the 'friend zone.'  While this may happen, in my experience, the men I have placed in this purgatory have many times placed themselves there with things they have or have not said, done or not done. 

Gents, there is a fine line between flirting and being inappropriate.  There is also a fine line between letting a woman know you are interested and being a stalker.  If / when you cross these lines you may drop into the bottomless friend zone pit.  Not our fault - you put yourself there.  And sadly, the odds of you finding your way out of this abyss is pretty slim.

"What did I say?!"  "What did I do?!" you may ask.  Let me provide some examples which may provide some insight:

1) We have recently met, the attraction is clear and so now we are talking on the phone, over text and email  trying to get to know each other.  One night we were talking about the latest cell phone or gadget when all of a sudden you say, "Speaking of gadgets, do you masturbate a lot?" Very inappropriate moment.  We are not there!   THANK YOU FOR VISITING.  YOU MAY NOW POLITELY ENTER THE FRIEND ZONE - ASSOCIATE LEVEL.  On this level, we may reply with one word, to be nice.

2) We have been getting to know each other for a while, again, the attraction is clear from both parties and we start flirting.  Giggles, the "I would love to see you" comments, blushing, all quite innocent really.  Just enough to make a woman wonder - get her imagination running.  Sexy.  We hang up, I am still smiling thinking "Yes, I wonder ..." when my phone vibrates.  Oh how sweet - a message from the potential beau - maybe he is saying "good night beautiful..."  I open the message, still smiling ... and there before my innocent eyes is a photo of your penis.  WHAT IN THE DAMN?!  Unless the female initiates sexting, keep that to yourself!  Things were going so good - I thought of you as a gentleman I would like to get to know.  Now I know too much and ... THANK YOU FOR VISITING.  YOU MAY NOW POLITELY ENTER THE FRIEND ZONE - ASSOCIATE LEVEL. On this level, I will say hi to you if I see you on the street.  I will ignore all texts, calls and emails.

3) We have been talking for two weeks, quite often.  There is mutual flirting and more than once I have hinted that I would like to see you.  The conversation continues - it is light, funny, I am entertained, I am interested.  We say our goodbyes, our 'talk to you laters' and we hang up and I still do not have a date.  This is only going to happen so many times.  I am only going to show you I am interested without progress for only so long.  A month passes, still no date.  THANK YOU FOR VISITING.  YOU MAY NOW POLITELY ENTER THE FRIEND ZONE - FRIEND LEVEL.  I am not mad at you, you have done nothing to hurt or offend me.  But the message I have heard loud and clear is you want to be MY FRIEND and so I comply.

Fast Forward 30 days.

4) It has been a month since we have spoken.  I get the following text, "Hey beautiful!  I miss you.  Would you like to hang out sometime?" I reply, "Awww thanks.  I have been good and you?"  Notice I did not reply, "Yes, I would love to hang out." or "Hey, handsome, I have missed you too!"  Yeah because I dont.  You are in that abyss of the friend zone and I have not given you a second thought.  Too little, too late.  Besides, it has been 30 days.  A smart woman knows you had another chic you were interested in, that did not work out and so here you come trying to repair your ego with the woman you knew was interested.  A real woman knows she deserves better than that and does not allow you to escape the friend zone abyss you willingly jumped into.

5) We are actually JUST FRIENDS.  I do not realize you have feelings for me because you have said nothing or shown any interest through your actions.  You tell your friends how you feel and yet you have said nothing to me.  We are not in high school - MAN UP!  If you do not want to be in the friend zone then do not apply for entry!  And the worse part?  When you tell us, "You know I was in love you back in the day."  Oh really?!  Cuz I didn't know - you never told me!  Matter of fact, your best friend, who you told, I dated him.  Cuz he manned up!  Do not invite me to events in a group - FRIEND ZONE ENTRY.  Do not try to set me up with other dudes - FRIEND ZONE ENTRY.  And when you tell us how you felt back in the day, you do have a 50% chance of hearing some good news, "ME TOO!..." followed by, "I wish I had known ..." FRIEND ZONE RESIDENT.  Womp Womp

The point of this public announcement is to debunk the friend zone myth.  We do not simply place all men there - many times, men, you jump into this space.  And if you are in this friend zone, suffering as you watch me date, kiss and talk about other men, then be a man and EXIT THE ZONE!  There is no rule that you have to stay.  If being my friend is painful because I see you as nothing more, you deserve better and you will not find that while sulking in the friend zone with me.

Destination: Lusaka and Livingstone, Zambia

I have finally made it to Zambia!  I heard so much about this country from colleagues and friends who were lucky enough to visit the country previously and so I was excited to make this the 11th African country I have been blessed to visit! 

Lusaka is the capital city of Zambia and has a population of approximately 1.4M!  There are over 73 dialects spoken in Zambia but the official language is English.  Interestingly there is no historical city centre but there are plenty of hotels and places to shop.  A colleague advised me that in the years she has been living here she has witnessed 3 - 4 new malls built!  The weather is perfect.  Sorry DMV family but it is.  In the day it is a spring-like 80F with no humidity and plenty of sun.  At night it is 65-70F with a cool breeze.  Like I said, perfect.

 

View from my room at Radisson Blu

This past weekend my colleague and I spent the weekend in Livingstone. We decided to take the 7pm bus from Lusaka.  The bus ticket is 112 - 140 kwacha (approximately $20 - $24) one way.  You can buy your ticket at the bus terminal in Lusaka.  We were fortunate enough that concierge at our hotel purchased the ticket while we were at work.  It is approximately a 7 hour ride and so we arrived at 2am.  Of course we rested and were up early in the morning for breakfast with a view and to start our day at Victoria Falls.

Statue of David Livington

The town is named after Dr. David Livingstone, the first European to see, name and publicize the Falls. The Scottish explorer's journey and " first sight" of the Falls in 1855 opened up Central Africa to other missionaries, hunters, and traders.  I put this in quotes as people were living in the region before he saw The Falls.  However, this was their home - something they simply enjoyed as a part of everyday life.  The original inhabitants saw no need nor had the means to publicize the beautiful natural wonder of the world.  Formally, Livingstone was founded in 1905 at a safe distance from the then swampy banks of the Zambezi.

While in Livingstone, we stayed at the Maramba River Lodge (http://www.maramba-zambia.com/index.php) which was located 4km from Victoria Falls.  It was quite nice.  You had the option to stay in a luxury tent, a chalet, safari or dome tents.  I, of course, stayed in a chalet.  It was a small cabin in the middle of a national park known for elephant trails and wildlife sightings.  Because we arrived after the rainy season many of the animals were further out grazing on the newly sprouted vegetarian. The Lodge is situated on a bluff overlooking the Maramba River which provides for a nice view any time of day by the bar or their restaurant.   They also have a cozy lounge where one can read, sit or enjoy conversation around a fire place in the winter.  The rate was reasonable for the chalet at 689 kwacha/per night (approximately $112/per night). We did not spend much time in the hotel as we, of course, were there to visit Victoria Falls!

The Victoria falls are also known as "Mosi oa-Tunya" which means "the smoke that thunders".  This Natural Wonders of the World offers breath-taking views that are almost too spectacular to describe.  We decided to go with a tour guide.  That cost us 300 kwacha (approximately $55) but his fee included the 120 kwacha ($20) fee to enter the Victoria Falls National Park.  The pass is good for 1 day.  To hike the park only took two hours.  Note, you can rent a rain poncho and plastic shoes for 10 kwacha each (approximately $1.60).  DO NOT wear something you do not want to get wet to include nice tennis shoes or leather sandals.  Ladies, do not even bother putting on make up.  Photographers, bring waterproof camera bag and/or camera.  Do NOT bring your cell phone or any electronic outside of a waterproof bag as it will be ruined.  Finally, be ready to simply enjoy the amazing view, double rainbows, the cool spray of the falls, walking through puddles, taking photos and peering across the falls to those on-lookers on the Zimbabwe side of the majestic falls.

 

After visiting the falls, we returned to the lodge for lunch, hydration and an afternoon nap because that night we enjoyed a sunset booze cruise.  For 395 kwacha (approximately $64) we enjoyed a 2.5 hour sunset cruise on the Zambezi river.  We enjoyed snacks and all you can drink as well as the singing talents of fellow female passengers enjoying the cruise at the end of a National Secretaries Conference in Livingstone.  Our 'go to bartender' was Godfrey who introduced us to the "Godfrey Special" with the adult ingredient of "Cane Liquor" which is a locally produced liquor made from sugar cane, similar to white rum.  So delicious going down (reminded us of orange Gatorade) - that Godfrey Special.  The next morning ... that would make me re-evaluate enjoying this locally manufactured sugar cane poison.  But alas, we lived.

Mosi - local beer

Godfrey with Cane Liquor and the Godfrey Special in hand

Sunset on the Zambezi - Zimbabwe side

We saw a HIPPO!

After enjoying the sunset booze cruise, we met with couple from London and decided to hit the streets of Livingstone for some dancing!  The first place was Fez Lounge.  OK if you want to run into every ex-pat in Livingstone and hear American Top 40, this is your place. Since we did not, we walked the streets until we heard live local music.  No idea the name of the place, but we decided to go in and enjoy!  We stayed out way past our bedtime (1:30am) since we were scheduled to catch the 9am bus back to Lusaka, but we only had one weekend to enjoy Livingstone and I would say we definitely did.  If you are ever in Zambia, a visit to Livingstone and Victoria Falls is an absolute MUST.  This area can be quite pricey so plan to bring 1000 kwacha for spending / excursions a day.  We spent approximately 2350 kwacha (approximately $366) for the weekend which excludes meals and drinks.  Not cheap but absolutely worth every thing we paid.  Please enjoy more photos from our weekend in Livingstone below!

Marambe River

Zambezi - Zambia side

Sunset cruise

Rainbow at Victoria Falls

Victoria Falls Bridge -  crosses the Zambezi River just below the Victoria Falls and is built over the Second Gorge of the falls. As the river is the border between Zimbabwe and Zambia, the bridge links the two countries and has border posts on the approaches to both ends, at the towns of Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe and Livingstone, Zambia.

Lucky DOUBLE rainbow at Victoria Falls