Control Issues

Since I was promoted in July of last year I have constantly been losing sleep because I stress /dream about work.  And not just about what I do day to day but thinking about meetings I attended, decisions that were made, emails that were sent and then planning for the worst case scenario/outcome of these scenarios and then trying to resolve that scenario...that has only happened on my mind...in my dream. A month ago was another night I lost sleep over something that hasn't happened but I spent the night tossing and turning about what if the worse happens, what if my boss overturns my decision, what if my boss is disappointed with  my actions - what would I do, just in case...  The next morning I had a conversation with my sane colleague/friend about those thoughts / dreams and about how much anxiety they cause me. She suggested I figure out WHY I'm trying to be in control all the time (cue Janet Jackson).  These scenarios haven't happened in REALITY...may never happen and yet I'm trying to control the outcome "just in case". Why do I need to be on control?  Don't I realize that I wouldn't have been promoted had I not demonstrated the ability to do this job? That everyone is not going to be my biggest fan or always agree with me but to deal with that when it comes not IF it MAY come. She's right (she's the sane one) - it takes more energy to resolve a 'what if' issue in my mind than to deal with it when it actually happens. Why stress about something that hasn't even happened? My response has always been "preparing for worse case scenario..." but as a child of God, who has been blessed many times over, why am I even preparing for such a scenario? Every professional bump I've experienced or hurdle I've had to jump has prepared me for bigger and better. Those things were God preparing me for the next level on my career. And then in the shower, hours later after the conversation, I was listening to Moving Forward by Israel and the New Breed and it HIT me. It hit me so hard all I could do was weep. I have not moved forward. I've allowed situations in my personal life to affect me this way. I'm trying to control these professional 'what if scenarios' because I cannot control my emotions, the emotions of others, my love life...

... you see I'm THAT woman that wears her heart on her sleeve.  Over and over again.  I seem to never learn.  I keep saying "Love as though you have never been hurt ... love as though you have never been hurt."  But that is an idiotic slogan that some pseudo super woman made up.  Loving as though you have never been hurt is not learning from what hurt you in the past - it is not using wisdom.  Proverbs 4:6 says "Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you."  I have completely lost control of my love life because I have not been using wisdom.  I have not been selective.  Why have I not been selective?  Oh because there is that other ridiculous notion of "You never know who God put on this Earth for you so be open!"  Proverbs 4:23 states, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."  A guarded heart is NOT an open heart.  It does not remain open in hopes of just any and everybody walkin' on in.  No.  It is guarded because it is selective on who enters.  My heart has not been an "only for the super exclusive clientele" guarded heart.  Especially since I do  not believe God put one person on this Earth for us.  Throughout the Bible God gives us / man choices.  We need to use the wisdom that God instructed us to use to be selective. Select the mate that would be approved by God - a man that deserves a tour of the guarded heart.  Every man that approaches me with a smile, a home church and a promise of good intentions does not need to receive my number, time or attention.  I have come to realize that if I had been more selective in the past I would have been able to truly control the amount of times I have experienced hurt, "Extra emotional baggage, please!" The old saying "Follow your gut" - of this I am a fan.  I believe the 'gut' our mothers and grandmothers are referring to is our Spirit.  It is the core of wisdom nagging us to say "no no move on -- dont do it -- leave it alone!"  I have said it before and I will say it again, attention from everyone is not healthy.  I have truly found that "rejection is sometimes God's protection."  Stop looking back - stop hoping a bad situation will get better - move on.  Yes rejection hurts but a broken heart along with knowing you have wasted time with the wrong person is a pain that lingers and is stored in a piece of that emotional baggage.  I have sought control in other areas of my life because I have lost control in this area.  And yet when I 'let go and let God' in my career, my job not only became a career but it became the career in which I only dreamed:  to travel around the world offering education.  My dream was so small as my dream was confined to South and Central America.  God blew that up and now I have seen places in Africa, Asia and Europe.  I have finally, FINALLY come to realize that it is time I 'let go and let God' take care of my love life.  Relax Phoebe - allow God to guard your heart.  He will let me know when its time to open it and allow a worthy man on a tour.

Move forward - without the baggage.  It is easier to 'see' what is ahead of you when you are not looking back ... So here is ya'lls EVICTION NOTICE! Men who have hurt me - you are no longer allowed to stay in my heart and/or mind.  The need to 'control' ...that is something I will have to pray about and work on but thank God for His wisdom and putting it on my heart through the advice and kind words of a friend.  #invaluable.