Precious

Perhaps its genetics and therefore I am physically unable to escape the inevitable and thus, continuous spreading of my booty and hips.  Or it could just be my love for eating and my pure hate for the gym.  Hmm something to think about.  Nevertheless I have come to the conclusion that it is this jiggling booty that has caused me so much trouble over the years.  Not in terms of health but in terms of my love life.  Ten years ago, when my booty had less jiggle men approached me as if they had some sense, "Hello.  May I talk to you for a second?"  or "Excuse me, miss..."  The focus was 90% of the time on my face and the biggest compliment I received was on my smile or my eyes.   

 

Fast forward ten years and ten times the booty jiggle - all of that has changed!  My favorite over the years: a 40 something year old man, dressed in a business suit, clean shaven with briefcase in tow, "Damn! Good God Jesus look at all that ass!  Excuse me, excuse me, may I talk to you for a second Thickness?"  I guess "Thickness" was my name?  It also dawned on me that I had not been good enough to include "Holy Spirit" in his lust filled exclamation.   

True story - I cannot make this stuff up.  How did I respond to this seemingly professional man taking the Lord's name in vain for the sake of my ass?  I laughed.  Why?  Because this is all hilarious.  I do not know when men transformed into Clowns and Court Jesters but all of a sudden everything they said or did was amusing as if they were hired to perform in a circus.  Now approaching the exciting age of 33, I thank God for the wisdom and friendly advice of a colleague to just give William a try ...  and special thanks to those clowns and jesters of the past whom have allowed me to realize how precious William is in my life ~ as man of God, a friend and as my boo:

Written October 19, 2011 in Cote d’Ivoire

(extra information found in parenthesis)

Precious is the time we spent at Palomar

(Our first date restaurant)

Precious is the gentleman you were as we walked to my car.

(He really was a gentleman ~ walking on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street, opening my door ... not kissing me!  I wore my favorite lip gloss and no kiss! LOL .. 7 dates later I got one ~ it was worth the wait) 

Precious is the moment our eyes really saw into each other.

(We were watching Martin and our eyes met on a commercial break.  Im pretty sure this is when he too realized he liked me cuz this is when I got my first kiss lol) 

Precious is the “test” you passed when you met my father and mother.

(Mom, Dad and the family cat LOVED him!) 

Precious are the moments you gracefully lose in spades.

(Boo is good at many things but Spades ain't one of them!) 

Precious are the memories that make me smile when I’m away.

Precious is when we fill a room with our laughter.

Precious are even the times we cannot stand each other.

(ALWAYS arguing! But that's my boo!  I didn't want a "yes man" anyway!)

Precious is the pride I feel when I watch you play.

(Boo is so so shy .. except when he is playing! On those drums his personality comes out in a huge way!  He's pretty amazing.  You should treat yourself and come see him play sometime lol) 

Precious is the peace I feel when it’s beside you I lay.

(Thanking God he doesn't snore so I can get a good night's rest LOL) 

Precious is our story.

(Once upon a time, in a smoky hotel bar/lounge in Ethiopia ...) 

Precious is our time.

(7 months!) 

Precious is us.

(William and Phoebe sittin' in a tree...) 

Whole Foods is not a restaurant ...

MEN:  as we are in the midst of a bad economy, it is understandable that you want to impress your boo on a budget.  This being said, please let it be an appropriate suggestion.  When pondering, "Well, what is appropriate?"  This varies.  But the things you need to keep in mind:

1. Age of the woman.  A professional woman in her 30s is not going to want to club hop in the 18+ club ...even if drinks are free for the ladies til midnight.  She is going to be drunk for free and then annoyed at her surroundings and the music.  Perhaps suggest a 21+ lounge or a restaurant with live jazz.
2. Length of the relationship.  It is your first date, do NOT suggest a strip club (DISCLAIMER:  this rule may  not apply if you live in Atlanta but please make it a nicer Gentleman's Club and not something reminiscent of 559 *gracias*).
3. Where you see the relationship going.  If this is a woman you can see as your wife or in the long term, please do not suggest hanging over your boys house to watch the game.  #1 you are hatin' on yourself.  How you ask?  DUH!  She's the only female, she is hot, smart and down to watch football in her favorite team's jersey and tight jeans.  Every time she gets up to get a beer trust one of your boys is up faster than you are to assist her ... classic clown mistake.  Keep your girl to yourself if you like her!  On the flip side, if you only see this as a short term "gig" then taking her to the family Thanksgiving dinner .. INAPPROPRIATE.  

"He suggested what??" MEN, do not make the same mistakes of the CLOWNS before you:

• Suggestion:  "Let's go to Whole Foods for dinner."  This was told to me by a friend and I was in shock.  WTF did he mean by "...for dinner?"  Did this mean he wanted her input on groceries and he was going to cook for her?  Hell no it didn't!  The clown was suggesting they eat at Whole Foods like a sit down restaurant!  In his 30s he suggested this??  Not his fault, when I read the link on their site (http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/stores/departments/prepared-foods.php) I too was convinced for ten seconds that Whole Foods was a classy place to take someone.  While I am a fan of their hot/cold food bar, their delicious desserts and refreshing organic drinks this as a date suggestion is inappropriate.  Especially a FIRST DATE suggestion.  Better yet, for ANY number of dates its inappropriate.  MEN:  Just because Whole Foods has someone to greet you at the door, chairs and tables to sit and food for sale does NOT make it a restaurant nor an appropriate date suggestion.  And any woman who gladly accepts this is desperate and will stalk you in the near future.  Asking her to accompany you as you grocery shop ... and only because you plan to make dinner for her is the only reason you should suggest going to Whole Foods as part of a romantic outing.

•  Suggestion: "Let's just stay in and watch a movie at your place."  Ah the classic "Im tryna hit tonight" move.  #1 this is an inappropriate suggestion to any woman unless you are in a monogamous relationship ... or #2 you have mutually established your relationship is "friends with benefits."  For the classy woman this suggestion, men, makes you look cheap (aka broke), like you are trying too hard to get some (aka a whore) and homeless (aka why can't we watch it at YOUR place?  Live with mom or the other chic?).  MEN:  If you are trying to make a good impression please wait for the appropriate timing in the relationship.  Another suggestion:  there are cheap movie options besides "at home".  In some parts of the country the $1 movie theater or $1 movie night still exists. Or take her somewhere free ~ a museum, a walk in the park (go to Whole Foods and grab a snack and some of those organic juices) or maybe a local monument.  The point is that the three APPROPRIATE suggestions are cheap or free and do not give the lady a bad impression.  You save face and your pennies.  Budget and reputation are maintained.

• Suggestion: "Let's go to (insert local gay bar)!  They have the best food and drinks!" HUH?  Why are you even asking me out??  Why do you know how great their food and drinks are?? You sound like a "regular".  Is this place your "Cheers"?  Does everyone know your name?  MEN:  This suggestion "outs" you, #1 and #2 let's me know my "gaydar" needs updating and cleaning.  Please move on and find you a good man.

• Suggestion: "Let's go workout together!"  Did you really just ask ME this?  OK I do not know how to even respond.  We did not meet at the gym.  I am not built like a "gym rat."  So my only conclusion is that you are trying to make sure I work out to become the type of woman you REALLY like physically.  MEN:  There is no saving you on this suggestion.  Unless you meet the woman IN the gym, the gym is a super dooper inappropriate suggestion...especially to the curvy female.

• Suggestion: "I hear there is a Black History/Slave Exhibit at the museum.  We should totally go!"  Don't you love that suggestion from a potential white beau?  They are trying to get to know your history my Black Queen .. Soul Sister .. ugh.  PSA to WHITE MEN who date BLACK WOMEN:  this suggestion is AWKWARD.  Picture it:  we go, all is well until you get to that slave exhibit.  Then you see your last name on prominent slave owners listing and photos of your great great grandaddy who was loving referred to as "Big Daddy" and you try to cover it up by leaning on it or pushing her to the next area of the museum.  But she sees it.  Then here come the justifications, such as "I would have never owned a slave!", "I am disgusted at what my family did to your people" or "I would have been right there with the white freedom riders!"  NO YOU WOULDN'T HAVE!  ROFL.  You would owned a slave ~ you would not have rebelled against your family's wealth and power.  Now, you might have had a chocolate luva (i.e Jefferson / Sallie Hemmings) but you still would have been a slave owner. So stop telling those lies.  Stop living in a "if I was living then" reality and just skip suggesting this outing.  MEN:  Let her go on this date with her other Black friends. A friendlier historic suggestion:  the Holocaust Museum .. unless she is Jewish.  Better yet, just suggest the view from the top of the Washington Monument, Statue of Liberty or Eiffel Tower...

These are my top ridiculous suggestions.  LADIES:  I am sure you may have experienced one which is not similar to what I have detailed so feel free to SHARE as a comment below!  MEN:  I am sure that you know what to avoid and why.  No need to thank me.  I am glad to be of service. 

Health Tips from a Fattie

Every year when the clock strikes 12a on New Years Eve every one swears they are going to do better - get healthier. For some that is joining the gym while for others its adding a day each week to their current routine.

For me, this year, health hit too close to home.  On December 27 my daddy collapsed and went to the hospital.  His blood pressure was through the roof, his sugar levels were almost 10x the normal count.  My stubborn father also had not seen a doctor since the early 80s.  He is infamous for saying, "Once they diagnose you that is when you start dying."  I shake my head.   Having my yearly exams are my #1 priority.  I do not care how management, my family and / or friends feel about this.  My health is my priority!  Mom was a constant nag about him going to the doctor and the dentist.  Since my dad is a wee bit vain, the dentist was an easy sell since everyone sees your teeth but since nobody can see what is going on inside, he neglected to go.  And now he was forced to go.  Now he is on blood pressure medication and has a new daily routine as a Type 2 diabetic.  We are all just thankful that he simply "collapsed" and not "collapsed into a diabetic coma" or have a stroke, both of which were a reality that we thank God we did not have to face.

I decided this year to not do "resolutions" but to "resolve" issues that plagued my health in 2011.  #1 was stress.  Not only to eliminate things that caused stress but to release stress through living healthier and doing something that makes me happy every single day.  Now, for those who know me, they know I abhor the gym.  In my area is its the #1 cheesiest pick up spot and it disgusts me.  In the past I maintained my weight and health by dancing (bachata, mergengue, salsa and sometimes zouk) 4 - 5 times a week.  Well now that I am "boo-ed up" and boo don't dance I have to find other ways to stay healthy and increase my efforts to avoid the same diseases that have afflicted my maternal grandmother, paternal aunt and daddy. 

They say the trick is to not do anything extreme and to make your new routine, just that, a routine, something you can do daily that you enjoy.  So I have come up with my personal list of things I have added into my daily routine since January 2.  And yes we are only three days in but these things are so easy and I truly enjoy them so I can see them being part of my general lifestyle.  If you are like me and love food, hate the gym and looking for things that are convenient then you are going to LOVE this list!  Enjoy!

#1:  Adding two squares of Ghirardelli "Intense Dark" chocolate to my life!  Everyone has heard that dark chocolate (70% or more cacao) is good for you but do you know WHY?  Let me tell you my fellow fatties why it is good for you:  1) the endorphins!  This is the same chemical that are released during exercise, sex, when falling in love ... in other words, general happy chemical for the brain.  Happy = healthy.  2) ONE serving of dark chocolate has MORE antioxidants than blueberries, cranberries, green tea and wine!  So when these fruits are out of season or its too cold to drink tea ~ grab some dark chocolate! *I would venture to suggest drinking that serving of dark chocolate with a nice, full bodied red wine LOL* Dark chocolate is also awesome for your 3) heart and 4) contributes to managing your blood sugar levels (I have made daddy add this power food to his daily diet). 5) Finally research suggests that one serving of this bittersweet delight provides similar health benefits found in 30 minutes of jogging!  Not only that, if eaten before a workout, performance is boosted!  So all you gym rates, nibble on some dark chocolate and boost that performance!  All you couch potatoes, nibble on some chocolate and envision being at the gym LOL

References:  http://www.allchocolate.com/health/basics/

References: http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2011-12-07/diet/30159747_1_dark-chocolate-epicatechin-muscle

#2:  Dance! Dance! Dance!  I may not be able to continue going out 4 - 5 times a week but I plan to keep a regular dance night during the week.  Why?  Salsa, ladies, is an aerobic exercise that if done regularly trims downs those hips and pumps up those gluts!  Hello Miss New Booty!  Not to mention, it is a calorie burner like no other!  Again, I hate the gym and most of all the boring, snooze-a-licious treadmill but salsa...oh I can do that ALL NIGHT LONG!  And good thing too because here are the numbers put out by fitness experts:  (varies by intensity, weight and gender) in one hour of dancing, a 100lb dancer will burn 264 calories, a 150lb dancer will burn 396 calories, a 175lb dancer will burn 462 calories and a 200lb dancer will burn 528 calories.  And the good news for me is the same is true for la bachata ... Sweet!  My fat ass is burnin' up some calories while burnin' up the dance floor! I am not at the gym AND I do not feel as though I am exercising!  I am laughing and having a great time!  I definitely burned my share of calories in the wee morning of January 1 dancing it out with the boo and the band for which he plays!  Finally, just as in working those weights or eating that chocolate, dancing release endorphins.  Happy = healthy! *PSA:  to experience full fitness effects avoid drinking copious amounts of beer and mixed drinks while dancing.  To burn maximum amount of calories, drink water*

Reference: http://www.fitday.com/fitness-articles/fitness/cardio/the-aerobic-and-anaerobic-benefits-of-salsa-dance.html

#3:  Wine Down!  Red wine, sipping it slowly after a long day, relaxes me.  A relaxed me is a less stressed me and less stress is healthy.  Healthy = happy.  But what do scientists say?  "A glass of Cabernet Sauvignon a day, keeps the doctor away."  The key is the nutrients found in the skin and seeds of the red grapes used to make the wine.  These antioxidants work to benefit your body in three key ways:  1)  reduces the production of LDL (low density lipoprotein) or the "bad" cholesterol, 2) boots HDL (high density lipoprotein) or the "good cholesterol" and finally 3) reduces blood clotting.  The last one is huge for me as flying increases the risk of blood clots.  So I make sure to drink a bottle (ok ok or two) of Cabernet Sauvignon on each flight to Africa!  And guess what fellow bloggers, red wine is on sale at Giant grocery stores this week.  I stocked up on my Cabernet Sauvignon last night!  Banrock, Australia is on sale 2/$10 ~ can't beat those prices.  It's a great investment price for your priceless health.  Raise your glass with me every night!  Here's to our health!  *PSA:  drinking the entire bottle in one night does NOT increase health benefits and makes you an alcoholic LOL*

Reference: http://www.ynhh.org/about-us/red_wine.aspx

#4:  Sweat it out 30 minutes a day!  I hate the gym, remember? And I love to sleep.  But I also love myself and my daddy.  So every morning I wake up and work out 30 minutes.  Even if it just a 30 minute bike ride, brisk walk around the neighborhood, 30 minutes of Just Dance on your Wii or a 30 minute workout video, studies show that taking 30 minutes out of each 24 hour day can yield HUGE health benefits!  The ones that were important to me, of course were 1) lowering blood pressure and 2) lowering blood sugar.  Both of these can greatly increase the health of my daddy and in a year studies suggest it is possible he may have both under control and off of a lot of the medication he is currently on.  Other benefits include:  1) strengthening the immune system and improve circulation, both of which are important to me as a frequent flier!  Sneezing and coughing in small spaces, sitting down for hours at a time as I cross the ocean ~ both of these are my reality.  Poor circulation can increase my risk of blood clots and who wants to be sick all the time? and 2) helps reduce stress and boost moods.  Hello endorphins!  Hello happy Phoebe in the office!

Reference:  http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/01/080104123421.htm 

#5:  Spa Day!  I am a huge supporter of the monthly two hour massage.  If I had the money and time I would go twice a month for two hours.  Medical experts say that over 90% of illness/diseases are stress related!  Massages not only reduce stress but also have other health benefits!  To name a few health benefits:  enhances immunity system, improves joint flexibility, *fattie alert* promotes tissue regeneration which helps reduce scar tissue and STRETCH MARKS, improves circulation (hello energy, bye bye blood clots), reduces cramping (PMS HUH?) and hello endorphins!  You may think you cannot afford a monthly massage, but with the help of Massage Envy (http://www.massageenvy.com/), you can!  Every month they take $60 from my account.  This $60 pays for my $20 membership fee and $40 towards a one hour massage.  To make this a 2 hour massage, when I visit I simply walk in with an extra $49 in my pocket.  And let's face it, $89 for a two hour massage ain't bad!  Not to mention, it is your health we are talking about and that is priceless! 

Reference: http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/03/08/healthmag.massage/ 

#6:  Laugh more!  Turning that frown upside down = a healthier you.  We know the basic health benefits of laughter:  reduces stress, produces endorphins and antibodies for a healthier, happier person. But did you know that a hearty 10 - 15 minute laugh can burn up to 50 calories!  A 2-hour movie that may keep you laughing for half of that is 300 calories outta there (hmm I guess if you skip the concession stand OR it reduces the calorie intake of what you ate so that 1000 calorie popcorn is now only worth 700 calories *sweet!*)  It has been also found that 10 minutes of a good gaffaw is worth TWO HOURS of peaceful sleep!  And finally, a hearty haha helps reduce blood sugars!  My dad is a huge Sherlock Holmes and Perry Mason buff but guess who will be stocking up on comedies this year if I have anything to do with it!  

Reference:  http://women.webmd.com/guide/give-your-body-boost-with-laughter

You may find the title of this blog ironic but at 200+lbs I am probably one of the healthiest fatties you know (outside of my damn allergies)! My blood pressure and sugar levels are consistently normal, no issues with the heart and lungs, healthy gums and teeth and I can dance ALL NIGHT LONG.  Dance sweat makes me happy!  I am by no means using this as crutch and am continuously looking to improve my health to ensure I remain healthier as I creep slowly to my mid 30s.  My point is to show you that you may never be "skinny" so focus on being healthy, inside and out.  My paternal grandmother, according to her doctor is 50+lbs overweight, considered obese and is a recovered alcoholic who abused alcohol for over half her lifetime.  And yet grandma walks around the neighborhood to visit her friends, visits her out of town friends for weekend or week long getaways to just "enjoy life", laughs at old movies and gets 8 hours of sleep.  Unlike her son, she is not a diabetic; no cirrhosis of the liver; no kidney failures.  It really is the small things that make a big difference.  After you have laughed at some of my comments, find out what the small things are for YOU to make you a healthier you in 2012 and for many, many years to come.  Each day is a new opportunity for you to simply enjoy your day for a healthier tomorrow:  eat chocolate, dance, laugh, get a massage, take a walk and enjoy your environment.  They sound fun and relaxing yet these small fun things increase endorphins (word of the day), contain antioxidants, reduce blood sugars and bad cholesterol.  Add these into your daily routine, over time increase your activity, improve your diet by adding good things, eat the naughty things in moderation and love your life like a true fattie. 

I spy ...

"I spy with my little eyes..."  Remember that game?  

Well I have observed some things that make me laugh to myself, shake my head or just think "WHO does that??"  Here are a list of those observations: 

Observation:  smokers huddling near each other for warmth as they smoke outside in cold winter weather.  OK now this is just ridiculous.  For that "delicious" nicotine fix you are willing to stand outside and stand up to high winter winds making it feel like 10 degrees?  And THEN you huddle together so that you can inhale not only your toxic smoke but the toxic smoke of your fellow smokers??  My conclusion:  these smokers do a harder drug.  Probably crack.

Observation:  bad weave.  I just do not get it.  If you cannot afford a good weave right now, save up!  You walking around with something that looks like you broomed it up from the corner of your bathroom floor is not attractive.  The holidays were just upon us.  And guess what, your real hair probably looks better.  You should have requested the cash to invest in your hair.  Weave is an ACCESSORY.  And like all accessories you have to invest or it's going to look a hot mess or break you out in a rash.  My conclusion:  that wench must be bald.

Observation: suffering dog owners.  Oh my friendly Caucasian neighbors.  My heart goes out to you as you have to walk around with your dog on these frightfully cold winter day.  As I drive home in my heated car each night I see these people shivering as they slow walk their dog.  Their dog, on the other hand, is naturally prepared to endure such temperatures and so it enjoys the walk the same as it would on a summer or spring day.  The owner on the other hand is rubbing their hands together, observing their breath in the wind praying that dog would hurry the hell up so they can get back to their heated apartment or condo.  But noooo the dog sees another dog and it wants to bark, mark its territory, play .. everything but relieve itself so you can go home.  Not only do you have to suffer in the cold and risk hypothermia but then you have to bend your frozen body over and pick up that dog's mess *smh*  My conclusion:  you are that dog's bitch! 

Observation:  that too dark skinned woman wearing blue eye shadow.  Do I really need to explain this?  Shank your friend who told you "Girl you look good in that color ~ it brings out your eyes!"  They lied and should be punished.  My conclusion:  You look like a sambo clown.  

 Observation:  the Latino that says "nigga."  OK so this word is frequently used in rap lyrics and in the streets its ok for Blacks to use it.  Whites you may experience some form of violence if you use it around the wrong crowd.  But every time a Latino uses the word I get real confused and a wee bit incómoda.  How should I react?  I guess it depends on their origins.  Those with African roots (i.e. Dominicans, Puerto Ricans, Cubans or countries in Central America who also participated in Columbus' slave trade enterprise back in the day i.e. Costa Rica, Panama and Nicaragua) ... yeah ok I get it.  But um Salvadorans and those of Incan or Mayan no having African in their blood descent, I er ain't too comfy with you diciendo-ing "nigga" or even "el negro" or "la negra" and this includes those reggaeton singers.  I am just sayin' ... while I do not use the word in general and my personal preference would be to eliminate the word entirely, I think we must all play by the street rules on this to avoid any personal grievances or bodily harm.  My conclusion:  Latinos of Incan or Mayan no having African in their blood descent you have been added to the Whites on this list and can no longer use "nigga" on the calles.  Gracias. 

Observation:  flirtation culture gap.  Finally, on my last trip to Haiti a man decided to pay me a compliment, "You are so fat.  I love it!"  WTF?!  My heart stopped and my eyes got super big and as I fixed my mouth to say something of a non-Christian like vocabulary, I remembered I was not at home.  Clearly, he didn't mean "obese" ... he meant thick but they do not use that word in Haiti and as he rambled on in his broken English / Creole he went on to explain that a woman shaped like me would not be single in his country.  My body says I am taken care of by a man or family with wealth and have kids (clearly he was referencing my hips).  I smiled and thanked him for his compliment and sashayed away.  My conclusion:  PSA to obese women:  If you have a low self esteem and are single and unwanted in the USA .. go to Haiti or Dominican Republic!