Even a "non-negotiable" is ... negotiable

In any relationship there must be standards set and followed to ensure a healthy, respectful relationship.

To even get in the door, if a man expects to date me, I ask for my 5 basics (as I have mentioned in a previous post):

1. Be considerate of my time, space and feelings
2. Be consistent
3. Good communication skills
4. Honest about what you are communication

After the first four are established and when the time is right:
     5.  Sexual compatibility

Over the past 4 months while William and I have not always seen eye to eye there has been an effort to work through these issues for a better way forward in our relationship.  And in the end he has proven to be a good guy ~ dependable, God-fearing and has a huge heart, all of which I need in my life. Plus he is able to deal with me *nuff said*

But let us be honest with ourselves.  The first 5 are great for the foundation of a relationship but if one is planning long term a list of 'non-negotiable' or deal breakers must come into play.  I discussed the list with my mother the night before and while she said it was a good list she said, "But remember Phoebe, in any relationship even a non-negotiable is negotiable except in the case of abuse..."  I thought about what she said and the next day I met with William to do lunch and discuss this list.

William's list was so simple.  It consisted of two things:

1. Being unfaithful
2. Not supporting him in his career as a musician

I looked at my list.  I had TEN things!  And oops how could I forget to add unfaithful ... so now my list is at 11!  Nevertheless, I went in strong -- I thought "My non-negotiables make sense.  How could anything be negotiated?"

The original list:

1. An abusive man (verbally, sexually (if I say no, it’s no, even in marriage) or physically). 
2. An unfaithful man.
3. A man with whom I do not share similar spiritual beliefs, who will not attend church, pray with me, who challenges my personal relationship with God and with whom we cannot agree on how we should raise our children spiritually.
4. A man who does not have a steady (9a to 5p) job.  
5. A man who cannot or refuses to communicate.  
6. A man who is not forgiving and holds grudges.
7. A man who is not consistent.  What you did to get me, you must continue doing to keep me. 
8. An unaffectionate man and a man with whom I am not sexually compatible. 
9. A man who is not considerate of my time (be on time or alert me that you will be late), space (sometimes we need to hang out with our friends – jealousy is not tolerated if I have not given a man a reason to feel jealous) and feelings (see #1 and 4).
10. A man who MUST live in Maryland, Maine, anywhere in the mid-west and Texas.  
11. A man who doesnt make me feel wanted / appreciated / loved and for me, the way to do this is by spending healthy quality time together

 An hour later ... the list after negotiations took place:

1. An abusive man (verbally, sexually (if I say no, it’s no, even in marriage) or physically). 
2. An unfaithful man.
   
3. A man with whom I do not share similar spiritual beliefs, who will not attend church, pray with me, who challenges my personal relationship with God and with whom we cannot agree on how we should raise our children spiritually.
4. A man who does not have a steady (9a to 5p) job.  A man who is not financially responsible.
• As a musician, William may never have a "9-5p" so to ask this was unfair.  As long as he is the main provider for a future household if it comes to that.
5. A man who cannot or refuses to communicate.  A man who says things to be spiteful and / or hurtful during a disagreement.
• You have to communicate with me to get this far so this was redundant.  However, a man who says things to be spiteful or hurtful has got to go!
6. A man who is not forgiving and holds grudges.
7. A man who is not consistent.  What you did to get me, you must continue doing to keep me. 
• With age things change.  I guess I cannot expect him to do EVERYTHING he did when we started dating in our 30s ... however, I need his heart, faithfulness and loyalty to remain the same.
  
8. An unaffectionate man and a man with whom I am not sexually compatible.  A man who withholds affection out of spite.
• Since "sexual compatibility" is redundant I revised this to reflect the real deal breaker.
9. A man who is not considerate of my time (be on time or alert me that you will be late), space (sometimes we need to hang out with our friends – jealousy is not tolerated if I have not given a man a reason to feel jealous) and feelings (see #1 and 4). A controlling man.
• Since "considerate" is again redundant, I replaced this one with "A controlling man".  I need my man to be confidant in our relationship
10.  A man who MUST live in Maryland, Maine, anywhere in the mid-west and Texas.  Yes, this was completely removed.  Instead we discussed why I didnt want to live in these areas and a compromise:
• First, I explained the "WHY" ~ These are areas I do not want to raise my children in based on education ratings of public schools.  PRIOR to raising children, we can live anywhere in the country or the world.  However, once children are involved, Fairfax VA is non-negotiable unless by this time the ratings have dropped miserably.    
• If as the man of household he still wants to live in one of the aforementioned places then he must budget paying for private education for our children from grades 1 - 12.
11. A man who doesnt make me feel wanted / appreciated / loved and for me, the way to do this is by spending healthy quality time together.

 In the end, I guess momma was right again.

Spare Change

In my life I have met so many wonderful women!  They are beautiful, smart, funny, educated, fabulous, strong and SINGLE!  As I listen to their stories and remember so many of my experiences it saddens me how men treat such awesome women - as "spare change."  Something they could do without once the "dollar" has been broken. 

I wrote this poem a few years ago in a moment where I was apparently "disposable" - by an idiot who didn't see my worth (and who, of course, made an attempt to come back and re-open his account.  tisk tisk tisk). 

"Spare Change" is not a "happy" or "uplifting" poem.  I have put it in my personal category of a "reminder" poem.  I poem I read to remind me that I deserve better - I am more than "spare change" - I am what a man would "save" and value because he knows in doing so he is sure to be happy, loved and provided for in a way that only a woman can provide.  I hope it does the same for the ladies and for the men ... hopefully, it makes one man re-think how he treats the woman in his life or the next one to enter it.

Spare Change

By Phoebe Kenney

Spare change

Expendable

Like the pennies used to cover tax

Or the less than ten cent change you don't need back.

Spare change

The change you forget about in your jeans pocket

The two cents needed – you always got it

Spare change

It's happy to be useful I am sure

You store it in your dirty ashtray

Or find it on your car floor.

You forget it's there until you really need it.

Spare change – your comfort change

Your don't have to break a bill change

If Lincoln could speak

I wonder how spare change feels.

Perhaps it would ask to be more

More than company to the lint in your pocket

Or dirt on your floor.

Or maybe it would simply asked to be appreciated

Good thing spare change is different from me –

No feelings, no emotions, not human

Oh God I hate it.

To be spare change or perhaps

I already am.

Good for a moment

Constantly passed to another

Shit, spare change and I –

We could be sister and brother.

So much in common

So much alike

And yet why do I feel like so much less?

Spare change

You have it made.

 

A.D.D Moment in Doodles

Something you should know about me:  when I am overwhelmed and my plate runneth over with things to do (at home or work) my focus goes out of wack.  I have a temporary A.D.D moment for no less than one hour. 

Today was such a day here in the office.  I love love my job but wow all of a sudden I need 10 - 12 hour workdays to include working on weekends.  But I dare not complain because I am working my dream job.  A position which was truly a blessing, a gift from God (insert "Praise Him! appropriately).  Anyha, mentally overwhelmed plus in and of meetings all day -- even too busy to eat lunch -- I sat numb brained at my desk and doodled. 

In January to ensure I would be entertained during these A.D.D moments I procured a desk calendar, "Doodle a Day." 

Sitting at my desk numb brained I noticed that my calendar was still on a date in August.  Forgetting what I was supposed to be doing, I decided to update my calendar to ensure it was on today's date.  While doing so I glanced at the lines on each page to see if I "saw" anything which I could draw.  Most of the lines were not very inspirational but there were four days that I saw a "vision" in the lines.  I pulled out my scented markers, permanent black marker and pencil.  Enjoy the results:

This one took me the longest and is my best "piece" I must say!

You can see the resemblance, right?  Maybe Franklin Flintstone, a cousin? LOL

The sharp lines going upward HAD to be mountain peaks in my mind...

Its gray and rainy today so I was inspired to find a way to draw a sun

Clearly my second A.D.D moment of the day was spent updating this blog LOL

When NOT to thank Baby Jesus in swaddled cloth ...

There are moments in life on this earth where when something happens in our lives that we see as a "blessing." There are moments in life where we praise Baby Jesus or God in moments which are clearly inappropriate. 

"Did they really just praise me for that?  No, really...really?"

Things for which you should NOT thank God or Baby Jesus:

10. For all the fine men or women in the singles ministry at your new church. Lust - its a sin. So calm down and stop being all hot in the pressed-church-pants!

9. For getting hooked up with extra chicken at Bojangles, Popeyes, KFC, etc. "Thank God cuz I sho was hungry!" You might as well just soft shoe it up in church praising God for some free fried chicken *niggerdom*

8. For "finding" $20 -- but you just saw it fall out of that persons pocket. Er not a blessing - "God saw my needs and then bam! $20. Praise Him!" Noooo He was testing yo thievin' behind - He was hoping you'd be honest and give the money back. #fail

7. For a great night at the club. "Giiiiirl praise Him! I needed that night out! I mean the music (secular) was off the chain and men was buyin drinks all night - I'm wasted! And thank God they were cuz I was broke!" Please stay yo broke butt in the house and read some scripture for free...

6. For the negative pregnancy test results ... Yo fast a$$ shouldn't be fornicating anyway! Close them legs please *gracias*

5. For your good looks. I mean conceited much?! Who says, "I thank God everyday for my good looks! I can't imagine what it would be like to roam this earth unattractive..." Ok I've said that but I asked for forgiveness each and every time lol

4. When you KNOW you cheated on your taxes to get extra money. That extra money wasn't a "blessing" to praise Him for -- you just stole money *thief*

3. When the person you can't stand the most at work gets fired. "Amen! I've been praying ..." No matter how much you can't stand someone, don't pray they become unemployed ... besides then they get unemployment benefits on your tax dollars. So basically you're paying for your enemies time off *jokes on you*

2. The deliverance of a sex buddy who lays it down after a "drought". "Thank God I met you - I was about to be a virgin again!" Inappropriate annnnnddd scene.

1. An orgasm. Need I say more? If you have uttered "Wow, praise Him for THAT *phew*" please sprinkle holy water on yourself immediately!

So fellow sinners, the next time you open your mouth to say "Praise Him!" think fast!  Is it an appropriate situation to shout to baby Jesus for thanks?  Nobody is perfect so if you have done one of the aforementioned examples, find your Holy Water, pour some in your hand and splash your dirty mouth LOL

"The course of true love never did run smooth..."

Part I - aw how sweet right? Yeah ok, it was.  Then the "sour" hit - hard and furious like!

My mom says this to me all the time:
Month 1 is all kisses, smiles and bliss
Month 2 the love blind fold starts to slip
Month 3 you are wantin' to push that man off a cliff!
But if you make it past month three then trust me, you will be ok.
**DISCLAIMER:  every time my mom tells me this, the words change.  She tends to make up her own words all the time.  I remembered the last one as it was recently recited to me in regards to William and I. **

The title of this entry is one of my favorite quotes and is found in A Midsummer Night's Dream.  Even 400+ years ago sh*t wasn't easy when it came to love.  Shakespeare's plays are riddled with emotional drama, game playing and anguish, even miscommunication / misinterpretation of facts between lovers, which in the infamous Romeo and Juliet resulted in a dual suicide.  Now, I do not plan on sippin' on any poison or stabbing myself with my gentleman's sword and dramatically falling down by his side but dating, falling in love, remaining in love, relationships ... again, sh*t is intense and difficult!


So then we must ask ourselves, as sang by the whore of the 50s himself, Frankie Lymon, "Why do fools fall in love?"  Well the song suggests that falling in love is as natural as the rain, a bird's song and so naturally we humans are fools, suckas for love.  Regardless of past heartache we naturally need romantic love, to feel needed by someone of the opposite sex.

William and I had experienced six blissful weeks of happiness.  Skipping around, holding hands, stealing glances and kisses every where we went, making single people vomit I'm sure (or maybe that was just me as a single woman?).  Anyha, it was indeed during month 2 that the love blind fold began to slip.  Every day was a new argument.  We were arguing over everything and I could not figure out why.  But since he had not cheated on me, had not been abusive in any way I decided I was going to put on my tool belt o love and fix the issue, starting with me.

Step #1:  Prayer.  "Lord o Lord, please humble me to see where I am at fault.  Help me not look at him like he is crazy when he says something dumb or annoying triggering a negative response.  Help me to not say insulting things to hurt his man pride such as "that is the dumbest thing you have ever said in life Im sure" triggering yet another negative response.  Lord, help me to not send angry texts with more than one exclamation mark, and definitely not in all caps.  Help me become a softer woman Lord, a care bear like loving female.  In Jesus name I pray, Amen."

Love-A-Lot Care Bear

Step #2:  Self Help Books.  Now anyone who knows me knows that I am always right *duh*  But remembering something my Bishop stated, "its not about who is right or wrong, its about maintaining the relationship" I made an attempt to practice this new, foreign idea!  So what did I do?  What any Borders member would do - I bought self help books!  The first one was "The Five Love Languages of Apology" (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-languages-of-apology/).  I needed to learn this art of apology.  Now, the second book that I procured I asked William to read with me so that when I was away on work travel we could discuss it every night during our skype dates.  The book is entitled "The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional" (http://www.nestentertainment.com/one-year-love-language-minute-devotional_p161623.aspx).  And faithfully I read like a good new-at-this-relatinship-student.  I was reading and taking notes as if I was in grad school again!

Step #3:  The "forget me not kiss."  Now they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.  I was going to be away for 4 weeks on work travel. Surely we would miss each other so much that arguing would seem petty! As he dropped me off at the airport he was a bit hesitant to say goodbye.  He hugged me tight and then as we pulled back he looked at me for a long time, we stood there in silence, parked illegally curbside at the drop off point at IAD.  I decided to take some initiative...I grabbed him by the back of his neck and kissed him.  It was a long, deep, passionate kiss - the ones that you see white people have in movies all the time and the ones that, again, make single people vomit and yell "get a room!"  When we pulled back my red lipstick was all over my face - all over his face.  He smiled and said, "I know we are going to be ok.  I am going to take this time to fix me as you have done ... we are going to be ok ..."  I smiled and said, "I believe we will."  In hindsight I probably should have sexed him up for hours instead of a kiss but alas William and I have decided to not have sex (SAY WHAT?! haha) so this was not an option and this kiss would have to do...

Step #4:  Comedy.  While I was away I created several someecards for him and sent them.  In the midst of arguing (yes even while I was abroad) I was hoping that if we kept laughter in the relationship, we would be ok.  Two examples:

Step #5:  Consult women who are in healthy relationships.  Enter my female colleagues and their advice.  Kizi, well, she and I are 100% alike!  Takes no BS and will cut a n*gga off "choppa style" like so --> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szQwHZ-aWGU and then there is Ajoia who is cool, calm and collected.  She is the good one to go to when the "crazy flag" is being raised and you are about to say or do something you regret.  She definitely offers up the "post initial emotional response" advice.  Then there was my girl Afua who is a mix of Kizi and Ajoia.  And of course, I had to go to my momma.  But me and my momma think so much alike - she gets me - so she offers her advice in the form of the poetry you see in the beginning of this blog, some Biblical advice (she's a PK) and wraps it all up with a quote that begins with "at the end of the day ..."

Step #6:  Get it out!  Well since we are not having sex there is some frustration built up which must be "released".  This energy was released in various ways:  yelling/crying to vent when alone, crying / venting with my colleagues who suffered through it all while I was on travel with them, of course dancing - lots of hot sweaty dancing and then walks alone.  I tried to masterbate several times but since I cant even remember what sex feels like since its been THAT long *le sigh* that was an epic fail ROFL (TMI?  Oh well, get over it haha).

In the end, while I was away, nothing seemed to work *sad face* ... I questioned whether I was even excited to see him when I came home ... I kept praying and reading and then I finally came home.

As I exited the airport I saw him.  He was by "door 2" since people were parked in front of "door 1" awaiting their loved ones.  I saw him leaning in the car on the passenger side to get something.  I smiled.  I instantly realized I was happy to see him.  My heart won over my mind.  I was momentarily distracted (i.e. I tripped on my own two feet and almost fell) but when I looked up William was standing there with a huge smile on his face holding up a glass vase filled with roses and small pink lilies and a huge sunshine balloon.

I had another dramatic white couple in a movie moment as I left my luggage and ran up to him, jumped in his arms and then kissed him. As we were kissing I could hear the women in the background "aww isn't that sweet?"  He must have felt like an airport love hero!  After the kiss he went over and retrieved my luggage, packed the car and we were on our way to lunch.  I was craving Chick-fil-A .. and it was GOOD!  Oh so good!  Afterwards, we went to get our hands and feet done – together.  This was fun and enlightening as he really does have pretty feet and hands!  (Yes, he even got his hands dipped in paraffin wax!)

He even took my car on a date!  He got the Camry all sexy with some detailing, an oil change and some new hub caps (I only had 2 ... now I have 4 again!).  Afterwards, my parents were expecting us.  We went to my parents’ house and my mom had prepared a freakin' feast!  After dinner my mom and I popped open a bottle of Asti and sat out dessert (fresh fruit, cheese and crackers).  Once we served ourselves, we all sat down to allow my parents to talk with us about what we were going through (my parents have been together for 40+ years, married for 35).  They gave him some insight on how I communicate and how he needs to take some things way less personal -- it’s not that serious, as I’ve said over and over and over again.  My mom also explained that my strong personality may make him feel emasculated but this too he is going to have to get over.  She also advised that I speak to him "softer" and take his feelings / reactions into consideration.  She advised William that I am selfish, moody and if my heart is set on something, I will agree to disagree but compromising may not be an option.  I am not patient when it comes to repeating myself and when I am sleepy patience level drops to 50% so saying anything to annoy me at this point is not a good idea.  He would have to accept this if he wanted to be with me -- she asked if he was he ready / prepared to put up with all of that.  Well, now he is in the relationship eyes wide open, thanks mom!  Two hours later the champagne was gone and the conversation came to an end.  Coincidentally right in time for football and so he and my dad excused themselves and watched football.  My first day back was drama and argument free!  I was happy.

The next day we had lunch at Founding Farmers (http://www.wearefoundingfarmers.com/ff_menus/menu-lunchdinner/) to discuss our “Non-negotiable” list.  My mom advised the night before, “Even a non-negotiable is … negotiable.”  This turned out to be very true.  But that is another story for another day.  

The good news is William and I have not argued since I have come home.  I am staying hopeful because the “course of true love never did run smooth”.  We tripped up on rocks, fell into ditches and came to the cliffs where I’m sure we both wanted to toss each other off the side … but we managed to find our way back onto a smoother path.  Hopefully, when we come up on the rocks again, we hold hands to ensure the other doesn’t trip, when we come up on the ditches we work together to "build a bridge" to get over it together and at those cliffs we stop to look at the view and then continue to move on.  It’s all about learning, building, accepting, respecting, appreciating and ultimately loving.  

I have to sign off now to clean up a bit as I am expecting him in 30 minutes.  It’s DVD and cook dinner together night!  We will be making spicy Asian beef with brown rice and collard greens.  Red wine for me, Coke Cola for him as he does not drink.  Dessert will be ice cream by Ben&Jerrys (in a bowl, nothing kinky since again we are not having sex “Lord, be a pillar of strength.  Amen.”)  The movie is undecided – since I chose the menu I will let him chose the movie.

"You are the only exception..."

After an intense, passion-filled romance with a man who took my heart from my body and then proceeded to mash it up and fry it twice like some damn tostones*, (perhaps we shall blog about him another day) ... I had met someone else.   

** Fattie side note:  tostones are a delicious treat made of green plantains.  Popular in the Caribbean, here is a recipe:  http://www.dominicancooking.com/301-tostones-flattened-fried-plantains.html **

As we were saying, I had met someone else.

I met William in Ethiopia. He was the drummer in a cover band playing at the Sheraton in Addis Ababa. We only exchanged "hello" while his female band member complimented me on my pretty face and "curvaceous ass." It was March 11.  I remember because it would've been Adam's 32nd birthday.

The next day I ran into him again in a popular restaurant. I didn't recognize him at first but he and another band member came over and introduced themselves. As the conversation continued we found out the band was actually from DC/MD, was there for 3 months and what nights they played. I promised I would come see them perform once more before I left Ethiopia. I kept that promise.

A week later, Friday March 18, 2011 several ladies I met the previous week and I went to see them play. During the break William came over, greeted our table, chatted a little and then proceeded back to the stage to play the second set.  As a true single lady of the millennium, I had several business cards in my purse with my personal phone number written in my best penmanship on the back of each card.  If William asked me for my number I was prepared!

He did ask and I handed him that card. Two days later I went to Zimbabwe. The band played on in Ethiopia for another two months.

He sent me a text message when he came home...I was on my way out of country again! He continued to send messages to see if I was ok. Then I came home and he finally asked to take me to dinner. Our first date was June 8.

I honestly did not feel like going. I was so over men -- in 5 days I had been stood up once and annoyed by another who asked me out but didn't bother to call for 5 days - until the day of - I canceled when he called to "confirm". Men just weren't putting in any effort and I was slowly slipping into giving up on dating entirely. But I had a date planned tonight with William.

It was 2pm and I had still not heard from William.  He had yet to confirm where he wanted to meet and at what time. I said to myself if he didn't call by 4pm the date was off and I would give up on dating for a while. William called me at 4:20pm. I was annoyed and wanted to cancel but on the advice of a colleague decided to just go out, have a good time and enjoy his company with no expectations. He decided to go to Palomar in Arlington. We were to meet at 730pm.

Dinner and the view from the Palomar (http://www.hotelpalomar-arlington.com/) in Arlington was amazing! My first impression was: he's quiet, seems a bit shy but really sweet and genuine. He made eye contact when he spoke to me, a quality I truly appreciate in a person. On the walk to my car he made sure he was the one that walked on the side closest to the street and he opened my car door, waited until I was inside and then closed it after I was buckled in. He was a gentleman. I realized I was glad I had come out tonight.

As I dropped him off at his car I didn't want him to go. I was drawn to him. I wanted to keep talking to him but he had an errand he had to run in DC. I was prepared to say good night and be disappointed but instead he invited me and we went to see his friend play jazz on U St. in DC. It was there I met 2 of his friends. It was there he bought me 5 roses from a man who walked in selling bouquets. It was there I challenged him to bowling. It was there I realized again I still didn't want the night to end but it was 1230a and I had to work the next day...

We drove from DC back to Rosslyn to his car.  We sat in my car and talked until 230am. I was a little tipsy and decided to put all my baggage out there. "I have severe trust issues when it comes to men..." I gave him names of those that had hurt me and how. I needed him to know what he was getting into if he decided to move forward. He didn't flinch or jump out of my car. Instead he says to me "You will never understand men and all men are dogs."

Apparently, ladies, all men are dogs, there are just different pedigrees:

The street dog - this dog will sleep anywhere and bang anything and be gone the next morning.

The disloyal house dog - this dog will pretend for a short while to be faithful.  It appreciates routine for a short period of time and loves the constant attention of loyalty of its female "owner."  But once its tired of being faithful and locked up in one house, it will wander off and find a new female "owner" to play with ...

The loyal pure bred - this is the high standard dog.  It knows on which side its bread is buttered.  He appreciates and does not take for granted the care and loyalty provided by its female.  The pure bred therefore stays "put" and returns that care and love - in good, bad, easy and scary times - yes, like the faithful Great Dane, Scooby Doo.

William finishes with, "You are dealing with a pure bred..." He went on to "educate" me about the different breeds of men and to say that the things I'm looking for in a man:
#1:  consistency
#2:  consideration
#3:  a communicator
#4:  honest about what you are communicating
#5:  sexually compatible
He said what I wanted in a man are "basic." He continued to say that he could promise me the first four as we get to know each other plus more. He also mentioned that he was looking to settle down so he took the dating process seriously as he expected his next girlfriend to be his wife so #5 on my list would come during stage 2 if we got that far. He further explained the stages: stage 1: friends that hang out to ensure compatibility, stage 2: exclusive, monogamous relationship and stage 3 marriage. Ok so he may be serious when he says he's ready to settle down!

After this long conversation, neither of us seemed scared off by what the other had to say. We hugged and went on our separate ways at 230am. I thought about everything he said. During our conversation I had ensured him I would not have walls built against him and that he would start with a "clean slate" and this is truly my goal. I've been wrong so many times but I felt such a calm around him - at peace - no walls necessary. He's under the impression that walls are there, but they aren't, not even a layer. He's my last pure effort in being a true blue romantic and optimist. If he fails me ... I don't even want to put such a vibe out there so as I drove away I prayed under my breath, "please don't fail me William...you are my last exception..."  Paramore, The Only Exception:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-J7J_IWUhls


Part II:  The course of true love never did run smooth

The Gas Chamber

So this is a venting story about a 17 hour flight with someone who has a gas issue ...

For most people its the basic checklist to ensure comfort on a 8+ hour flight:
--A good book (or your Kindle)
--An iPod
--Earphones
--Neck pillow
--Comfy shoes and socks

Now if you have rotten intestines your checklist is a bit different.
If you know your intestines are rotten and filled with a nose insulting powerful gas - and this is an issue, especially when plane food is introduced, please prepare! Fact: human gas contains flammable, poisonous gases such as carbon dioxide -- now why would I want to inhale this in a closed environment??  Prepare before flight with a detox. For the flight, pack some Gas-X, Beano...avoid gas causing foods that trigger your gas issue.

Now, I don't know who the culprit is: the woman in front of me who clearly does not wear deodorant and yet puts her seat all the way back so that her body order invades my space, the obese South African white man behind me who snoozed and snored for 10 of those 17 hours (damn I guess he slept good huh? LOL) or the Asian-American volunteer with the dirty feet and flip flops to my right but one them has a burnin' asshole! They had gas for 8 hours - a constant choking mist was in the air around me for 8 hours! There was a break and I managed to fall asleep only for that nap to be interrupted by a powerful gas mask needing gastrointestinal release that woke me up in a choke. No, literally, I woke up gagging with watery eyes *disgusted and blown* I just hope and pray this person consumes water and flushes their system which brings me to the next thing they need on their list: a body spray. The Body Shop sells a spray that serves as a body, linen and room spray. Its $20 and fits TSA regulations. To this gassy person I beg, "Invest...please, invest" this way you can spray in the small bathroom on the plane once you clean out your system.

To recap, a checklist for the gassy:
--pre-cleanse your system with the 7-day detox from GNC
--Beano or Gas-X
--Body, Linen and Room spray by The Body Shop
--A good book (or your Kindle)
--An iPod
--Earphones
--Neck pillow
--Comfy shoes and socks

This ensures not only you are comfy on a long journey but so are those around you.
This has been a public service request.  And thank you.

Digital Condolences

Before I share this short poem, remember that life is short.

Ten years ago today, within seconds, our world changed.  The United States of America was attacked ... thousands lost loved ones, tragically, unexpectedly.

AND

In the wee hours of today someone I knew lost their baby girl.  Happiness was interrupted.  Tears of joy, exchanged for those of mourning and pain.  She was born with the umbilical cord around her neck - strangled, death before she could experience life  outside her mother's womb... 

These two tragedies are what played in my mind as I closed my eyes, listened to my heart and typed.  When I opened them, this was the poem on the screen:

Digital Condolences


Its hard being here
you there, in pain ...
Sending comfort via Skype
its not the same.
But even as I am here
and you are there
I pray comfort for you and your family in my far away prayers. 
And if you need a digital ear in which to confide 
my Skype is on and laptop is by my side.
Written September 11, 2011

Ridiculous Roach Response and Prayer for Laundry

Well here we are again.  Another lovely evening here in Maputo and yet another dirty evening here at the Pestana Rovuma Hotel.   

Before I get into tonight’s entertaining tale, let me just clarify “4 star” hotel in Africa.  After doing some investigating (i.e. walking around the streets of the “heart” of the city and asking locals how this rating is given to hotels in the area) it has been brought to my attention that “4 star” is actually given based on the number of rooms available, if room service is available 24 hours , if there is a “view” (rooms facing this view) and if there is a gym and pool.  Apparently, cleanliness and service ratings are not needed to give such a high rating in Africa.  On every other continent, 4 star = “First Class” and is based on the following:  breakfast buffet or breakfast menu card via room service (“check” Pestana Rovuma has this) - Minibar or 24 hours beverages via room service (“check” Pestana Rovuma has this).  Upholstered chair/couch with side table (NOPE, not present).  Bath robe and slippers on demand (NOPE, note present).   Cosmetic products (e.g. shower cap, nail file, cotton swabs – NOPE, not present), vanity mirror (NOPE and…), tray of a large scale in the bathroom (NOPE) - Internet access (50MB cards handed out two at a time per day, does that count?) 

Let me tell you what they DO have that is not on this list (outside of pubic hairs on their wash cloths) – ROACHES.  Oh my baby Jesus when I saw this roach crawl from under the curtain my face was motionless.  I looked like a post-botox 32 year old woman with a surprised look on her face.  I was on skype with my friend in El Salvador (HI YESENIA) and all she could do was laugh at my expression.  After a minute of disbelief I promptly got up and drowned the roach in hospital strength cleanser (which I procured to clean my shower, FYI).  After ending my skype call, I cleaned up the cleanser and roach corpse and called the front desk.  

Now, I knew nothing was going to happen but I felt the need to be entertained, so why not give them a call!

Once the receptionist greeted me in Portuguese, I greeted her in English saying, “Hi, this is Phoebe in room 7**.  I wanted to ask that tomorrow when the gentleman comes to clean my room (the housekeeping staff is ALL men here) if he could pay close attention to sweeping and mopping the floors.  I just killed a roach and I want to make sure I do not receive these friendly visitors on the regular basis.”  Instead of her having a simple reply, like perhaps, “Sure, no problem” I am again greeted with that awkward moment of silence.  She then opens her mouth to say, “Roaches are common here in Africa and are everywhere.  We cannot avoid.  Make sure you clean up after yourself.”  HUH?!?  First off, I don’t have a fridge or mini bar.  The only “food” I have in my room is an open bottle of Pinotage and an unopened Cadbury chocolate bar.  So unless my roach was PMSing or an alcoholic I surely didnt "invite" the visitor!  Why are these Mozambiquan Blacks so unfriendly?  Where in the name of baby Jesus in swaddled cloth is the customer service?!  After another awkward pause, I said with my American chest puffed out, “This is the last time I will be talked to crazy by any one of your staff members.  When I call for service, I expect it.  I am American working on a US Government project that sends people to this country on the regular basis – do you know how much power I have over the success of your hotel?  You think this is a game?  Its not.  So I am going to ask you one more time:  When the staff cleans tomorrow, they should be thorough to ensure no more roaches.  Thank you.”  There was no awkward pause after that.  I received an immediate, “OK I will leave a note.  Boa noite.”  OH! So now you wanna say something smart in your language, huh?  I immediately replied, “Thank you….and that last phrase better mean good night! hmph”  then I hung up as a good American tourist should when flexing their muscles.  Before writing this entry I googled the phrase … it does mean “good night” … lucky her!

…then I remembered they have my laundry.  Damn.  

My prayer tonight, “Lord, oh Lord, this is your humble servant, Phoebe.  I come to You to ask that You do not allow the staff here at Pestana Rovuma immediate and easy access to bleach or strong chemicals that will ruin my clothes in their possession.   Possession to such chemicals can resume after they have delivered my clothes.  Amen.”  All those reading, if you could go into agreement with me I would appreciate it.