Ridiculous Roach Response and Prayer for Laundry

Well here we are again.  Another lovely evening here in Maputo and yet another dirty evening here at the Pestana Rovuma Hotel.   

Before I get into tonight’s entertaining tale, let me just clarify “4 star” hotel in Africa.  After doing some investigating (i.e. walking around the streets of the “heart” of the city and asking locals how this rating is given to hotels in the area) it has been brought to my attention that “4 star” is actually given based on the number of rooms available, if room service is available 24 hours , if there is a “view” (rooms facing this view) and if there is a gym and pool.  Apparently, cleanliness and service ratings are not needed to give such a high rating in Africa.  On every other continent, 4 star = “First Class” and is based on the following:  breakfast buffet or breakfast menu card via room service (“check” Pestana Rovuma has this) - Minibar or 24 hours beverages via room service (“check” Pestana Rovuma has this).  Upholstered chair/couch with side table (NOPE, not present).  Bath robe and slippers on demand (NOPE, note present).   Cosmetic products (e.g. shower cap, nail file, cotton swabs – NOPE, not present), vanity mirror (NOPE and…), tray of a large scale in the bathroom (NOPE) - Internet access (50MB cards handed out two at a time per day, does that count?) 

Let me tell you what they DO have that is not on this list (outside of pubic hairs on their wash cloths) – ROACHES.  Oh my baby Jesus when I saw this roach crawl from under the curtain my face was motionless.  I looked like a post-botox 32 year old woman with a surprised look on her face.  I was on skype with my friend in El Salvador (HI YESENIA) and all she could do was laugh at my expression.  After a minute of disbelief I promptly got up and drowned the roach in hospital strength cleanser (which I procured to clean my shower, FYI).  After ending my skype call, I cleaned up the cleanser and roach corpse and called the front desk.  

Now, I knew nothing was going to happen but I felt the need to be entertained, so why not give them a call!

Once the receptionist greeted me in Portuguese, I greeted her in English saying, “Hi, this is Phoebe in room 7**.  I wanted to ask that tomorrow when the gentleman comes to clean my room (the housekeeping staff is ALL men here) if he could pay close attention to sweeping and mopping the floors.  I just killed a roach and I want to make sure I do not receive these friendly visitors on the regular basis.”  Instead of her having a simple reply, like perhaps, “Sure, no problem” I am again greeted with that awkward moment of silence.  She then opens her mouth to say, “Roaches are common here in Africa and are everywhere.  We cannot avoid.  Make sure you clean up after yourself.”  HUH?!?  First off, I don’t have a fridge or mini bar.  The only “food” I have in my room is an open bottle of Pinotage and an unopened Cadbury chocolate bar.  So unless my roach was PMSing or an alcoholic I surely didnt "invite" the visitor!  Why are these Mozambiquan Blacks so unfriendly?  Where in the name of baby Jesus in swaddled cloth is the customer service?!  After another awkward pause, I said with my American chest puffed out, “This is the last time I will be talked to crazy by any one of your staff members.  When I call for service, I expect it.  I am American working on a US Government project that sends people to this country on the regular basis – do you know how much power I have over the success of your hotel?  You think this is a game?  Its not.  So I am going to ask you one more time:  When the staff cleans tomorrow, they should be thorough to ensure no more roaches.  Thank you.”  There was no awkward pause after that.  I received an immediate, “OK I will leave a note.  Boa noite.”  OH! So now you wanna say something smart in your language, huh?  I immediately replied, “Thank you….and that last phrase better mean good night! hmph”  then I hung up as a good American tourist should when flexing their muscles.  Before writing this entry I googled the phrase … it does mean “good night” … lucky her!

…then I remembered they have my laundry.  Damn.  

My prayer tonight, “Lord, oh Lord, this is your humble servant, Phoebe.  I come to You to ask that You do not allow the staff here at Pestana Rovuma immediate and easy access to bleach or strong chemicals that will ruin my clothes in their possession.   Possession to such chemicals can resume after they have delivered my clothes.  Amen.”  All those reading, if you could go into agreement with me I would appreciate it. 

Pubic Hair Protocol?

What is pubic hair customer service protocol in the hospitality industry?  Read yet another True Story Moment and advise me of what you would have done and / or expected the hotel to do.

Now the classy would not mention the hotel name, but I’m a classy/trashy hybrid so … I am currently on assignment in Maputo, Mozambique.  While I am here the All African Games (the African version of the Olympics ~ Blacks are everywhere in ever shade!) are in town and so hotel rooms were limited.  The only hotel which had rooms available was the Pestana Rovuma in the used to be classy but is now torn down and trashy (aka “historic”) heart of Maputo, Mozambique.   

This is not my first time to Africa and I am familiar with third world living as a Returned Peace Corps Volunteer so why was I fooled by the “4 Star” rating given to this hotel … or as was claimed on their seizure inducing website (**DISCLAIMER:  epileptics should not visit this site, seriously. **) . (http://www.pestana.com/hotels/en/hotels/africa/MaputoHotels/Rovuma/Home/)

I should have expected miscellaneous pubic hairs all over the room as I inspected it – even the shower curtain bore black mildew stains and the ceiling has extensive water damage.  Moving right along, I called Housekeeping to request a wash cloth so that I may wash my face for the night.  Thirty minutes later there was a knock at my door and the light brown wash cloth was handed over in a friendly manner.  We exchanged “good night” and I went on my way to wash my face.  I looked down at the wash cloth and staring me in the face was a curly short black hair.  I stood there in disbelief and then inspected it again; sure enough it was still there, along with friends.  Now I am disgusted and dropped the wash cloth to avoid transference of any kind ~ I don’t want a stranger’s pubic hair on my person!

I called the front desk and told them I needed another wash cloth – three in fact, just in case.  Of course, he inquired as to why and I had to tell him, “I found pubic hairs on the one that was brought up to my room earlier.”  Now, in America how would this have been answered when staying at a 4 star hotel?  I would like to think the response would be something like, “I am so sorry.  Three wash clothes are on the way.  I will speak to housekeeping immediately to ensure this does not happen again.”  But this was not the response I received at this prestigious “4 star” hotel in Maputo, Mozambique.  Instead, after an awkward pause, he answered, “Ma’am, many Africans are staying at the hotel and we have short hair all over our body.  How can you be sure it is from that region?”  I fixed my mouth to say “What the f*ck?”  But the Christian spirit rained upon me and I laughed and then said, “Sir, I don’t want to wash any part of my body with a cloth which contains hair from any region from a stranger’s body.  Please send me three more wash cloths.  Thank you.”  I gently hung up the phone and had to laugh again.  WHO says that?!   

This begs the question to those who may work in the hospitality field, what is pubic hair protocol?  Is there a section in your manual, maybe in the housekeeping section?  Maybe those of you in this industry can bring it up at the next staff meeting to see how this question should be answered in the future, should it happen at your hotel/motel.  

Needless to say I will be bringing my own towels, wash clothes and linens when staying at any “4 star” hotel in Africa because apparently these are the equivalent of our Motel 8s.

LaKoketa