Stranger on a Plane

I took my seat just as I would have on any other flight home, 42E. I didn't sleep on the flight from Abidjan to Paris so I was exhausted.  I sat down, put on my seat belt, put my pillow behind my head and put my blanket over my legs.  The plan was to sleep until lunch was served.  I was in the aisle seat of the middle row. My eyes were closed when the person in 42F took their seat and they were kind enough to not wake me but to walk around and come in from the other side. 

About an hour into the flight drinks were served. I ordered red wine with my complimentary snack of rosemary crackers. In a heavy accent the man in 42F ordered,  "orange juice and whiskey." He says it twice,  slower the second time so the attendant understands.  I'm not sure if they did but he never received the whiskey.  He doesn't pursue it.  I look to my right at the man in 42F. He's a boy really (As he was completing his customs form I took a peek.  He was born in 1992.), young face,  short hair and smooth olive skin.  I didn't see his eyes as they were staring at the screen in front of him.  

After taking four bites of lunch I decided it was  time for another nap. So I went to sleep. I'm not sure how long I was asleep but an announcement in French loudly came over the speakers.  "The Captain has turned on the fasten you seat belt sign. Please, fasten your seat belt as we are experiencing turbulence." I heard the announcement, but I was not fully awake. In fact my eyes were still closed. So slowly I open my eyes. Somehow, sometime during my nap, my head was leaning toward the right. Earlier during the flight 42F and I were "fighting" for arm rest dominance.  Somehow,  sometime during my sleep we both seemed to have called a truce,  both on the arm rest,  arms slightly entangled.  My eyes slowly opened more.  Somehow,  sometime he'd fallen asleep and his head was leaning toward the left.  The announcement also interrupted his sleep.  His eyes slowly opened. They were light brown with specs of green. And these eyes were looking into mine,  softly,  smiling.  I smiled and then realized these eyes belonged to a stranger on a plane! I was now fully awake.  So was he.  "You hum..." said 42F. I flashed an awkward smile and turned my head.  He had made me feel "something." Not for him,  but for me.

Waking up, looking into the smiling eyes of a stranger also 'woke me up!'  I realized I want to wake up to my loves' smiling eyes.  To call a truce on our bed space,  waking up entangled with my him who notices I hum when I sleep. In my thoughts on the rest of the flight I thought "this has to change..." I need to slow down. I need to do more of what makes me happy: being active in my church, volunteering,  dancing...I want to be ready,  smiling when I met him,  this stranger.  The one whose eyes will greet me and after a kiss his lips will say "you hum"...

The Friendzone Myth

"What if I told you most guys friend zone themselves?" There is a current myth that women place men to whom they have no romantic or even sexual attraction to in this dating purgatory called the 'friend zone.'  While this may happen, in my experience, the men I have placed in this purgatory have many times placed themselves there with things they have or have not said, done or not done. 

Gents, there is a fine line between flirting and being inappropriate.  There is also a fine line between letting a woman know you are interested and being a stalker.  If / when you cross these lines you may drop into the bottomless friend zone pit.  Not our fault - you put yourself there.  And sadly, the odds of you finding your way out of this abyss is pretty slim.

"What did I say?!"  "What did I do?!" you may ask.  Let me provide some examples which may provide some insight:

1) We have recently met, the attraction is clear and so now we are talking on the phone, over text and email  trying to get to know each other.  One night we were talking about the latest cell phone or gadget when all of a sudden you say, "Speaking of gadgets, do you masturbate a lot?" Very inappropriate moment.  We are not there!   THANK YOU FOR VISITING.  YOU MAY NOW POLITELY ENTER THE FRIEND ZONE - ASSOCIATE LEVEL.  On this level, we may reply with one word, to be nice.

2) We have been getting to know each other for a while, again, the attraction is clear from both parties and we start flirting.  Giggles, the "I would love to see you" comments, blushing, all quite innocent really.  Just enough to make a woman wonder - get her imagination running.  Sexy.  We hang up, I am still smiling thinking "Yes, I wonder ..." when my phone vibrates.  Oh how sweet - a message from the potential beau - maybe he is saying "good night beautiful..."  I open the message, still smiling ... and there before my innocent eyes is a photo of your penis.  WHAT IN THE DAMN?!  Unless the female initiates sexting, keep that to yourself!  Things were going so good - I thought of you as a gentleman I would like to get to know.  Now I know too much and ... THANK YOU FOR VISITING.  YOU MAY NOW POLITELY ENTER THE FRIEND ZONE - ASSOCIATE LEVEL. On this level, I will say hi to you if I see you on the street.  I will ignore all texts, calls and emails.

3) We have been talking for two weeks, quite often.  There is mutual flirting and more than once I have hinted that I would like to see you.  The conversation continues - it is light, funny, I am entertained, I am interested.  We say our goodbyes, our 'talk to you laters' and we hang up and I still do not have a date.  This is only going to happen so many times.  I am only going to show you I am interested without progress for only so long.  A month passes, still no date.  THANK YOU FOR VISITING.  YOU MAY NOW POLITELY ENTER THE FRIEND ZONE - FRIEND LEVEL.  I am not mad at you, you have done nothing to hurt or offend me.  But the message I have heard loud and clear is you want to be MY FRIEND and so I comply.

Fast Forward 30 days.

4) It has been a month since we have spoken.  I get the following text, "Hey beautiful!  I miss you.  Would you like to hang out sometime?" I reply, "Awww thanks.  I have been good and you?"  Notice I did not reply, "Yes, I would love to hang out." or "Hey, handsome, I have missed you too!"  Yeah because I dont.  You are in that abyss of the friend zone and I have not given you a second thought.  Too little, too late.  Besides, it has been 30 days.  A smart woman knows you had another chic you were interested in, that did not work out and so here you come trying to repair your ego with the woman you knew was interested.  A real woman knows she deserves better than that and does not allow you to escape the friend zone abyss you willingly jumped into.

5) We are actually JUST FRIENDS.  I do not realize you have feelings for me because you have said nothing or shown any interest through your actions.  You tell your friends how you feel and yet you have said nothing to me.  We are not in high school - MAN UP!  If you do not want to be in the friend zone then do not apply for entry!  And the worse part?  When you tell us, "You know I was in love you back in the day."  Oh really?!  Cuz I didn't know - you never told me!  Matter of fact, your best friend, who you told, I dated him.  Cuz he manned up!  Do not invite me to events in a group - FRIEND ZONE ENTRY.  Do not try to set me up with other dudes - FRIEND ZONE ENTRY.  And when you tell us how you felt back in the day, you do have a 50% chance of hearing some good news, "ME TOO!..." followed by, "I wish I had known ..." FRIEND ZONE RESIDENT.  Womp Womp

The point of this public announcement is to debunk the friend zone myth.  We do not simply place all men there - many times, men, you jump into this space.  And if you are in this friend zone, suffering as you watch me date, kiss and talk about other men, then be a man and EXIT THE ZONE!  There is no rule that you have to stay.  If being my friend is painful because I see you as nothing more, you deserve better and you will not find that while sulking in the friend zone with me.

Why Are You Single??

POF profile photo

"My friends would describe me as a woman who loves to laugh, dance (bachata, salsa, merengue) and travel (for work and relaxation). I'm also loyal, giving and very close to my family.  I am not religious but do have a spiritual relationship with God.  I believe this relationship is different from person to person and judging others' beliefs and their spiritual journey is something I do not tolerate.

I travel quite a bit for work but when I'm home I enjoy spending time with my family, volunteering, reading, cooking and dancing. Life is so very short and I do believe it's meant to be enjoyed and spent with people you love and who love you in return.  My ideal match would grow to be my best friend. I'm waiting for a spiritual man whose considerate of my time, space and feelings. A man whose consistent, willing to communicate and honest about what they are communicating. I will absolutely not tolerate liars, being disrespected, inconsistency and a man who brings drama to my door... instead, my ideal match will also love to laugh, dance or be willing to learn and share their passions with me."

That was my online profile which I posted on "Plenty of Fish" October 12, 2013.   Prior to the online profile I never really 'dated' in the past.  I met someone, we go out and somewhere in the 'dating honeymoon phase' I find myself with a boyfriend or in a long term relationship.  So this was my attempt at dating.  My standards were:  1) NO coffee or lunch dates - take me to dinner! 2) NO sexual conversation 3) I will meet you at the agreed upon location at the agreed upon time (I live alone and as a single woman I do NOT want everyone knowing where I live) and 4) if you are more than 30 minutes late do not expect me to be there.  After 5 weeks I deactivated my account as I was going on a business trip for two weeks and would not have the time to put in the effort needed to 'date' online.  I admit I was also exhausted!  In those weeks I found myself on 12 first dates, 5 second dates and 3 third dates.  While I did not met my partner, soulmate, my Nemo, there were definitely plenty of fish and it was a great experience. 

Each man was different in age (28 - 37), level of education (HS - PhD), number of languages spoken varied (Russian, Spanish and of course they all spoke English), single, divorced, 5'6" - 6'4", Latin, Black or White.  But one thing they all had in common, the one thing they all asked me on the first date:  So, why are YOU single?  Some would follow up with, "You seem like such a cool person..." or "You are smart, gorgeous, no kids...I could not believe you were single!"  And while I am sure that question is meant to be a compliment, let me tell you gents what we women hear, "So what is wrong with you?"  As my friend noted, nobody meets a married woman and casually asks her, "So, why are you married?"  Therefore, the implication is marriage = success!  Single = failure or a fault within you that is keeping you in that social category.  The other reason this question is absolutely ridiculous is how do you answer such an inquiry?  Anything we woman might say is seen as a weakness, a fault, an area in our lives which may need improvement or fixing.  I have answered it in various ways but here are my top two responses:

Another profile photo

Example #1:

Me:  I just have not found the right person.

Him #1:  Or maybe you have but were too picky and missed out.

Him #2:  How can you meet the right person when you are never in the country?

Him #3:  Really?  I would think a beautiful woman such as yourself would meet men all the time.  I was surprised you were free.  I thought your calender would be full of men wanting to take you out.  (I gave this man the side eye because AGAIN, any answer you give is a negative.  "Yes, this is true" implies PICKY SLUT! "No, not really" implies PICKY B*TCH! But I digress...)

Example #2:

Me:  As I mentioned in my profile, I travel quite a bit for work.

Him #1, #2 and #3:  Well how can you expect to settle down if you are never in the country?  Do you really think you have the time to truly date and meet someone?  When do expect to slow down - I mean you aren't getting any younger ...

On the first date a woman wants to display her best qualities.  She takes the time to iron her clothes, put on her make-up so that is appears natural but brings out her beautiful features, wears the perfect shoes, dabs on her favorite perfume.  She smiles when she greets the man to let him know she is happy to see him as well as to assist him in relaxing, "I am happy to finally meet you" is what that smile is communicating.  She appears to not be too picky when it comes to the wine selects and while she may want a dozen chicken wings or a rack of ribs, she chooses an entree which she will have to eat with a fork and knife.  Then this question.  The answer is nothing she can put a positive spin on.  No response will be good enough.  Anything she says will instantly make her self conscious, "Maybe I am the reason I am still single.  He thinks I am great but maybe I am too picky?  Maybe I do not have enough time to date?  Maybe work is too much of a priority?"  And when a woman becomes self conscious she becomes unsure of herself subconsciously.  She goes home, calls her girlfriends to discuss the date and 'that' question wondering if she answered it ok.  Wondering, now, if you will even call such a picky, busy b*tch. 

So men, a piece of advice.  If you are truly interested in the woman on which you are having this amazing first date, then instead do not ask her about her past.  It is the first date!  Talk about something fun, light, enjoy her company.  Do not worry about why she is single, the last time she was in a relationship, the last time she had sex or kissed a man.  GET TO KNOW HER.  Get to know her through this mutually shared process - in that moment which you will never get back and if you marry her, will always remember and tell your children.  Do not build your opinion on her past moments.  Besides, why do you care WHY she is single?  Lucky you!  Because if she were in a relationship you would not be on that first date enjoying her company.

XOXO,

Phoebe.  Single.  35 (almost).  No kids.

'Til Death Do You Part?

This morning I volunteered with the ladies (and 2 men) in the Singles Ministry at Grace Church.  We spent two hours at a nursing home in the area.  I expected to sit, chat and laugh with the residents.  Maybe play some bingo or do crafts in the common room. 

After checking in, we were paired up and on our way to spread smiles around the nursing home!  My 'buddy' and I sat with three interesting and animated women:  Ms. Pat from West Virginia, Ms. Ester from New Jersey and Ms. Mildred from North Carolina.  We entered each room with a "hello" and a smile across my face.  The three women opened up almost immediately returning the greeting and smiles.  They also spoke candidly, without a filter. And as women tend to do, they quickly inquired about our personal lives, and us into theirs.  And I am glad we experienced this exchange as I believe it enhanced our experience.  We not only experienced great conversation and laughter but also received some words of wisdom on LOVE and MARRIAGE.

Ms. Pat on love and marriage:  "Never get married!  I have been single for a long time and plan to die happily that way!"  When we asked Ms. Pat why she would say this she bluntly explained, "Because those muthaf*ckas change!  My husband was ugly, mean, selfish ..."  My 'buddy' asked her, "But you were in love once ... what made you fall in love with him?"  Ms Pat shared, "We met young - he was in the Navy.  I do not remember how we met but we were both from West Virginia.  His father was a Navy man too!  Oh he looked good in a uniform!  He was so handsome.  So sweet. Then he became a wife beater and the hands (pause) the hands he used to love me with he started putting around my neck.  He changed.  He went from loving me to beating me. (pause) I never cheated on him.  I was a married woman - married to a monster, but married.  I finally left.  Left to save the 5 kids we had.  I had to save the kids ..." she trailed off and silence followed for a few brief moments.  Just as abruptly as she started her advice, she ended it, moving on to discuss the pending verdict in the Zimmerman case which was on the TV in the background. Her candid advice and story made me think, "Do you ever know a person well enough to predict the changes which may occur in their personality as they grow older?"  Or do we miss key red flags because of their physical appearance, never looking past the superficial layer of skin to truly see into the heart and soul of a person?  Never taking time to notice key personality traits and how they express those:  how do they express love? hate? anger? Are you ok with how they express their emotions?  Change is to be expected - especially if you are with a person for a long period of time.  The key is KNOWING who you are dating and may marry. Advice which we received from Ms. Ester.

Ms. Ester on love and marriage: "Fish around!"  Her advice was specific:

• "Know your man!  What does he like to do?  What does he like to eat?  Where does he like to go?  If a man feels as though you KNOW him, you will have him.  And when you have that fish on the line, slowly pull him in by being supportive of things he likes to do, cooking what he likes to eat and joining him in places he likes to go."
• "Men love to be spoiled.  They are like babies.  They need to be fed, require lots of attention and when they 'cry' know what they want to shut them up!"
• "Men love hair - keep your hair nice."
• "Expect only two things:  respect and understanding.  Not love.  You may not love him every day and he may not love you everyday but if you understand each other - that is key.  And respect.  There are no 'bosses' in a marriage.  Understand how your mate is and respect that.  If you have those two things...happiness...and happiness is a good thing!" and finally, 
• "Marry a man with money!  In a marriage you are going to need and want a lot of things.  A broke man can't do nothing for you!  (She ain't never lied!) Even if you both work, he needs to have some money!  And if you find this man with money, let me know if he has a grandfather!" I got you Ms. Ester! haha

When I asked Ms. Ester how many years she spent with her husband she said, "Too many to count.  One day I was graduating from high school and the next day I was married to my sweetheart. We were happy for a very long time (pause) ... until we divorced.  I cannot remember how long we were married when we divorced...he found someone else that he loved more than me.  And that was ok.  I understood him ... I was also doing my thing and he understood me.  I was not angry - it was ok."  It was the 'death' of fidelity and love which parted Ms. Ester from her husband.  Even though they divorced, Ms. Ester smiled when she spoke of her years in marriage.  By her story, respect and understanding survived which allowed the divorced to be as amicable as it could be. As Ms. Ester was telling her story I noticed the eyes of her roommate, Ms. Mildred.  She was staring off, blinking slowly as if she were in another place, her mind occupied.  What is on her mind?  What does she have to say about love and marriage?  There was 45 minutes left to visit and I planned to ask.  I am glad she was the last to speak on love and marriage ...

Ms. Mildred on  love and marriage:  Ms. Mildred is a quiet woman who recently celebrated her 101st birthday.  You would expect someone at her age to suffer from memory loss, loss of certain physical abilities and in pain.  But Ms. Mildred remained sitting straight up in her bed, sipping her chocolate Ensure for breakfast following our conversation with Ms. Ester offering moments of short chuckles and head nods.  She spoke clearly when addressed and made perfect lady like eye contact so that you knew she was listening to your every word.  After her roommate, Ester, finished sharing her advice on love and marriage I asked the 101-year old Mildred how many years she shared with her husband.  In a soft, but clear voice, she replied, "I cannot count the years of our marriage.  I have been married for a very long long time.  For as long as I can remember I have been one with that man."  She spoke of him in present tense even though her husband died many years ago.  The only jewelry she wore was a gold cross around her neck, no wedding ring, but his pictures and the pictures of their children, grand children and great grand children surrounded her.   She still remains 'one' with him through her memories and her heart.  While his body is physically not beside her as her husband, their love remains within her - her spirit, her being.  Death has not parted her from her lifelong spouse.  "Until death do you part..." is not true for Mildred.  While death as parted her from her spouse physically, it has not parted her from him emotionally and she continues to love him every day of her life.

Living, dating and loving in a superficial, self-gratifying, self-centered generation/society, I do not know if I will be as blessed as Ms. Mildred to meet my 'forever love' but the pieces of advice I am taking away from my visit today:  1) get to know your partner, 2) respect what you learn, 3) take time to understand them as they are and 4) expect nothing, cherish everything.  #lovewisdom  I look forward to visiting these ladies again in the near future!  Have a great Saturday! *sips frozen margarita*

Control Issues

Since I was promoted in July of last year I have constantly been losing sleep because I stress /dream about work.  And not just about what I do day to day but thinking about meetings I attended, decisions that were made, emails that were sent and then planning for the worst case scenario/outcome of these scenarios and then trying to resolve that scenario...that has only happened on my mind...in my dream. A month ago was another night I lost sleep over something that hasn't happened but I spent the night tossing and turning about what if the worse happens, what if my boss overturns my decision, what if my boss is disappointed with  my actions - what would I do, just in case...  The next morning I had a conversation with my sane colleague/friend about those thoughts / dreams and about how much anxiety they cause me. She suggested I figure out WHY I'm trying to be in control all the time (cue Janet Jackson).  These scenarios haven't happened in REALITY...may never happen and yet I'm trying to control the outcome "just in case". Why do I need to be on control?  Don't I realize that I wouldn't have been promoted had I not demonstrated the ability to do this job? That everyone is not going to be my biggest fan or always agree with me but to deal with that when it comes not IF it MAY come. She's right (she's the sane one) - it takes more energy to resolve a 'what if' issue in my mind than to deal with it when it actually happens. Why stress about something that hasn't even happened? My response has always been "preparing for worse case scenario..." but as a child of God, who has been blessed many times over, why am I even preparing for such a scenario? Every professional bump I've experienced or hurdle I've had to jump has prepared me for bigger and better. Those things were God preparing me for the next level on my career. And then in the shower, hours later after the conversation, I was listening to Moving Forward by Israel and the New Breed and it HIT me. It hit me so hard all I could do was weep. I have not moved forward. I've allowed situations in my personal life to affect me this way. I'm trying to control these professional 'what if scenarios' because I cannot control my emotions, the emotions of others, my love life...

... you see I'm THAT woman that wears her heart on her sleeve.  Over and over again.  I seem to never learn.  I keep saying "Love as though you have never been hurt ... love as though you have never been hurt."  But that is an idiotic slogan that some pseudo super woman made up.  Loving as though you have never been hurt is not learning from what hurt you in the past - it is not using wisdom.  Proverbs 4:6 says "Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you."  I have completely lost control of my love life because I have not been using wisdom.  I have not been selective.  Why have I not been selective?  Oh because there is that other ridiculous notion of "You never know who God put on this Earth for you so be open!"  Proverbs 4:23 states, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."  A guarded heart is NOT an open heart.  It does not remain open in hopes of just any and everybody walkin' on in.  No.  It is guarded because it is selective on who enters.  My heart has not been an "only for the super exclusive clientele" guarded heart.  Especially since I do  not believe God put one person on this Earth for us.  Throughout the Bible God gives us / man choices.  We need to use the wisdom that God instructed us to use to be selective. Select the mate that would be approved by God - a man that deserves a tour of the guarded heart.  Every man that approaches me with a smile, a home church and a promise of good intentions does not need to receive my number, time or attention.  I have come to realize that if I had been more selective in the past I would have been able to truly control the amount of times I have experienced hurt, "Extra emotional baggage, please!" The old saying "Follow your gut" - of this I am a fan.  I believe the 'gut' our mothers and grandmothers are referring to is our Spirit.  It is the core of wisdom nagging us to say "no no move on -- dont do it -- leave it alone!"  I have said it before and I will say it again, attention from everyone is not healthy.  I have truly found that "rejection is sometimes God's protection."  Stop looking back - stop hoping a bad situation will get better - move on.  Yes rejection hurts but a broken heart along with knowing you have wasted time with the wrong person is a pain that lingers and is stored in a piece of that emotional baggage.  I have sought control in other areas of my life because I have lost control in this area.  And yet when I 'let go and let God' in my career, my job not only became a career but it became the career in which I only dreamed:  to travel around the world offering education.  My dream was so small as my dream was confined to South and Central America.  God blew that up and now I have seen places in Africa, Asia and Europe.  I have finally, FINALLY come to realize that it is time I 'let go and let God' take care of my love life.  Relax Phoebe - allow God to guard your heart.  He will let me know when its time to open it and allow a worthy man on a tour.

Move forward - without the baggage.  It is easier to 'see' what is ahead of you when you are not looking back ... So here is ya'lls EVICTION NOTICE! Men who have hurt me - you are no longer allowed to stay in my heart and/or mind.  The need to 'control' ...that is something I will have to pray about and work on but thank God for His wisdom and putting it on my heart through the advice and kind words of a friend.  #invaluable.

Happy Birthday Adam G Poole

In September 1990 I met Adam Poole.  Those who know me - who know us - you know the story.  Today Adam would have been 34 years old.  Today, if it was like any other birthday, we would have celebrated with good food, strong drinks and foolishness surrounded by friends and loved ones.  But those who know - you know today has not been like any other day for almost 9 years.  Today we celebrate what would have been - what could have been - been another year in the life of Adam Poole.

In cleaning out an old chest my mom found a poem that I wrote September 17 1990.  Title "Best Friends".  Funny how one forgets what they have written, thoughts they treasured so deeply they felt the need to write them down only to bury them in a chest - my chest / heart - for 23 years.  Funny how vulnerable and open we are in our youth -- how easily we feel and express love, without regret.  Sad how we lose this innocence as we age.  Today would have been the 34th year of my best friend.  I have not befriended anyone else as easy or loved a man so deeply as I loved Adam G. Poole.  And I know I won't.  Because the love you experience in your youth - pure, innocent, unassuming, expecting nothing ... the walls of age and heartache experienced block that kind of love from happening again.  When I met Adam I knew I had met my best friend.  And in such confidence I chose not to listen to the teacher but to write this in #2 pencil September 17, 1990:

My Best Friend
What are 'best friends'?
'Best friend' is a friendship that will never end.
You meet unexpectedly
Expecting nothing
Never knowing what will be
But positive that 'best friends' are you and me
Everyday something new to share
Confiding everything in each other as only best friends would dare
Today is my favorite day - a day I didn't want to end
Because today we decided that we were best friends.

Happy birthday Adam Grayson Poole.  Happy birthday to my best friend.
Always,
Phoebe

HAPPY New Year

As we begin a new year many of us will make new years resolutions:  lose weight, be happier/stress less, save more money, look for love or strengthen the relationship we are in. 
Normally I do not make resolutions as I know myself and these resolutions will last the first quarter of the new year.  Especially since I travel so much for work.  But change gon' come in 2013!

2012 was surely a year of INCREASE for me!  In 2012 my income increased with a new promotion.  I increased my worldly knowledge by going to three new countries:  Rwanda, Botswana and Jamaica! I increased my living space by getting rid of clothes and knick knacks I do not wear/use.  I increased my tech knowledge with a new phone and car with all kinds of bells and whistles.  I increased my personal finance knowledge by running my credit report, ensuring anything past due was paid immediately and laying out a budget which covers expenses, savings and "fun" money for 2013.  I increased my personal happiness by dancing more, as well as spending a ton of quality time with my family and friends.  I increased my Bible knowledge and spiritual relationship with God by adding daily Bible study to my routine.  God was more than generous!  However, even with such blessings and increases, I did experience some negative gains:  in stress and weight.  With averaging 220 hours a month and 80% travel - work sucked a lot of energy from my very being.  Do not misunderstand me, I love my job!  But the reality is I'm balancing two positions - my last position and my current - and the stress has lead to skipping meals, sleeping less than 6 hours a night and eating out (no time to cook).  Then my personal life was another source of stress.  As I'm not even in the mood to go into details, being unhappy in a relationship caused more than just screams and tears but also stuffing Godiva in my face.  Ultimately the stress and Godiva led to an increase in weight - 23lbs.  23lbs.  Thankfully most of that went into the already big booty, hips and thighs and even though I have never lacked male attention I hate how it looks on me. 

All of this being said, my only resolution for the new year is to be happy.  Truly a HAPPY new year.  Happiness which radiates from the inside out.  To achieve this I need to be healthier - emotionally and physically.  I do not believe huge, drastic changes need to be made but changes do need to be made in my professional and personal life.

Professional:  while I love my job, I need to ensure I have personal time to enjoy my space, my loved ones and even learn how to 'date' myself.  This means working 40 hours a week / 160 hours a month.  Period. 

Personal:  this year I will be 34 years old.  Yup, single and no kids 34.  But that's ok.  I have learned that being unhappy with someone is unhealthy.  I have learned to be ok with being single and the importance of dating myself.  What makes me happy?    In the last 6 months since I have been single I have laughed more, danced until I was soaking wet, confided more in God, organized my living space and finances and let me tell you, the peace that I feel is absolutely priceless.  I have also learned to say no.  Just because HE is interested doesn't mean I need to be.  If I'm not "feeling it" for whatever initial reason, I politely decline the invitation and walk away. I have recognized that in the past I have accepted invitations just because I did not like being in the house alone or the thought of "I'm 33, I need to find someone!" or maybe because I was feeling low and liked the attention. In the end this also drained me of valuable energy which I plan to keep and 'spend' with someone I'm truly interested in.

Health:  part of being happy also means being healthier physically.  In 2012 two very important people were diagnosed with Type II diabetes, my father and his sister.  Seeing my father in the hospital, sick was a quick reality check.  My dad and I are one in the same - we love the taste of good food.  We hum when we taste something delicious, tap our foot, nod our head...everyone around us will know there is a culinary party in our mouth!  But there needs to be control and balance.  And my goal will be to lose that 23lbs which will hopefully inspire my dad and aunt to live healthier lives.  Besides, I need my daddy around ~ I still expect to be walked down the aisle some day *wink* 

So here is to a HAPPY 2013.  I pray the same for every single one of you.
XOXO

Thankful ... for Clown Exodus

During these cold winter months and with the holidays approaching, many singles are running around trying to find someone with whom they can hibernate all winter long.  But I say to you singles, be thankful for the clowns which have not been allowed /refused to enter the future with you.  At the moment, I know the break up or rejection was painful, but I am a true believer that “sometimes rejection is God’s protection.”  So this Thanksgiving, while I am of course thankful for my family (blood and spiritual), my job, my best and truest friends and my health, I am also very thankful to have avoided further heartbreak, tears, screams, sleepless nights and drama in my clown-free present.  This year there was a grand exodus of three clowns in my life, for which I am thankful.  Let’s recap, shall we:

Exodus of Clown #3:  “I am going to invite you to my city and then act a donkey when I don’t get no booty…”  Are you really that lonely?  I guess the hint for me should have been that he had no options locally.  Duh Phoebe.  No further explanation is really needed since the story is documented in an earlier blog.  Thankful note:  I not only left with no regrets since he received zero sexual romps but I also avoided being seen around town with such a loser!  The local ladies clearly knew something I did not! #canwegetnationalwarnings?

Exodus of Clown #2:  “You are no doubt what I would I ask the Lord for – my perfect woman! … Oh did I mention I have a girlfriend?”  Is this an acceptable approach?  This one annoys me on the fact that relationship status was revealed after time was spent, kisses and numbers were exchanged, plans for dinners were made and oh when I asked the question for the third time.  WHO does this?  I would venture to say a sociopath who is not concerned with anyone’s feelings minus his own.  Dear Clown:  be honest up front.  Being dishonest eliminates my options, which is not playing fair.  Yes, I am going to give you the disgust face and walk away BUT there may be women out there who do not care and will move right on ahead.  And ladies do not think you would be the special one that will make him want to be faithful or tell yourself “well his woman isn’t holding it down …” No, this man is the one to avoid at all costs.  You are not special in his eyes other than being the newest conquest.   Thankful note:  with avoidance of this clown I am pretty sure I also avoided Hepatitis C and/or genital warts.  

Exodus of Clown #1:  “I should not even be bothered but because I love you …” #clownoftheyearaward  Tell me how you REALLY feel clown!  Love is “kind … it is not prideful … it protects”  A man who love you, truly loves you – these words would not only never come out of his mouth but would never cross his mind.  He does not consider “chasing you” or ensuring you feel/know love through his actions and words as “being a bother.”  Additionally, when you express disappointment in his standing you up because he prioritized something else over meeting you or missing a date (which he requested…but Im sure something more important came up) he does not blame you for being (naturally I believe) upset/disappointed and voicing these feelings (without cussing, for which I thank the Holy Lamb).  He acknowledges where he went wrong (or he doesn’t stand you up in the first place, but I digress).  When you cry, he wants to be the resolution and see you smile – he doesn’t accuse you of always being emotional.  When you yell, his actions calm you and he knows when the time is right to initiate a discussion to resolve the issue.  When you feel “ugly” or “bloated” during that time of the month, he rubs your belly, feeds you chocolate, kisses you and reminds you of how beautiful you are.  The extra “little things” he does to ensure you are happy with him and in general do not “bother” him.  In fact, he too finds happiness!  Not only in your smile but also when we women are happy, we ensure our man is happy!  When a man “bothers” to do the little things, I “bother” to do something to let him know I appreciated his kindness, his show of love and add a little extra to show him love in return.  For over a year and some extra months this man has been telling me he loves me, can see me as his wife, spiritual partner and mother of his children.   I am thankful that God has revealed to me that this man and I do not define LOVE the same.  I never want someone to be “bothered” to do or say anything to me.  And the man that God presents to me as my future mate won’t feel “bothered” to ensure I feel and know love.

Destination Atlanta: The Prodigal Man

It has been quite some time since I posted anything about my dating life.  Since the breakup with William I have taken wise advice:  do not date one man at a time ~ date three at a time ~ always remember I am beautiful, strong, living in my own place, no kids, amazing job which allows me to experience the world ~ yup, I have plenty of options!  Clearly the mistake I have been making is dedicating all of my time to one person and when the cracks / red flags begin to show I stay longer than I should, becoming more and more unhappy and resentful.  This is not to say the men were bad ~ they were just not for me.  And "dating" does not mean sleeping with so please erase that from your mind.  It means getting to know people slowly, observing them and how they treat me, how they react to situations in their lives and in our situation, realizing what I like, need and want in a man & in a long term relationship.  The men that do not step up or do not provide me with what I need are outta here!  The men that do step up, give me what I need emotionally and go out of their way to give me what I need ... they can stay around for a bit.  Ultimately, the goal is to whittle down my choices to 'the one' that is my personal perfect fit long term.

It is hard to balance work and dating when you are only in town ten days between trips.  It has been interesting to say the least (I will post more as weeks go by in regards to some of the good and ridiculous) but today's post is about a man we shall name Mr. Prodigal. 

Now Mr. Prodigal and I dated three years ago.  We met online and eventually dated long distance.  And it was amazing!  My career had just taken off and before we could hang out consistently I was in Vietnam.  12 hour time difference did not affect us at all ~ our communication was consistent and allowed us to talk about things that we both wanted, what mattered to us long term and what we were look for romantically.  When I finally came home we met in Baltimore for the weekend.  Everything clicked and we continued dating for several months long distance, visiting each other two weekends a month.  During this time he ran into some financial issues and all of a sudden became distant.  He stopped communicating with me which I was not used to ... then one day he just "disappeared" no goodbye, no explanation ~ nothing.  I was SO hurt.  We went from talking every day, seeing each other ... to nothing.

Fast forward three years:  almost three months ago I received a message from Mr. Prodigal.  He apologized admitting that he took the cowardly way out, the easy way ... his approach was neither right nor mature.  It was f*cked up but he is reaching out and would like to get to know me again ... I was hesitant at first.  Responding to his emails/messages in one sentence - no more than two.  I eventually expanded the length of my communication and we started talking more about on our lives presently (our jobs, our last relationship, our families, etc), moving into light flirting ... well we have been talking every single day since that message and three weeks ago he suggested we meet for a long weekend. My heart dropped ~ am I ready to see him?  Am I ready to like him all over again?  He is easy to like:  a gentleman, a sweet, affectionate man, respectful, amazing kisser ... the point is he makes me nervous.  Of course I immediately wondered if he "run" or disappear again if something he is not prepared to deal with happens.  He says no but right now he is living a good life.  He has established himself in Atlanta, living in a nice neighborhood and stable employment.  He never brought it up again - no pressure.  We continued talking and I made a decision three days ago to take him up on his offer.  Since I have friends in Atlanta I suggested we meet there.  I know the city, I can get around and socialize with my friends if the weekend goes sour.  He is really excited and was not expecting me to say yes!  We did not take long to finalize plans and we finalized my itinerary last night:  arriving Friday Nov 1 until Monday Nov 5.  He is working on our " social itinerary" as he wants to make sure "I am happy" and have a good time with him.

I do not have any expectations for the weekend or what this may mean for Mr. Prodigal and I in the future.  My current plan is to simply get to know him in the space he is in now, have a good time, laugh a lot, eat some good food (he loves to cook) and then take everything day by day after the weekend.  As it stands now, I return November 5 and then November 8 I am off to Ivory Coast for another two weeks of work.  Not to mention he is still long distance.  But I would regret not taking this trip.  I would always wonder about Mr. Prodigal and I.  And if it does not work out this time then I will know...no regrets either way.  So keep me in your prayers ~ wish me luck!

*******************************************************************

UPDATE:

This past weekend was my trip to Atlanta.  The trip started off AMAZING as he greeted me with a huge smile on his face, a warm hug and a super sweet kiss.  That evening we went grocery shopping after he was home from work.  As he proceeded to make me a delicious dinner of chicken parm, pasta, garlic bread and salad, he poured me a glass of delicious red wine and wouldn't allow me to lift a finger to assist.  Instead we spent that two hours talking, laughing, flirting and a few kisses here and there ... 


During dinner we ate in front of the TV to watch the Knicks game.  The good times continued - we laughed, caught up and I believe, truly enjoyed those hours in each others presence.

But this was not to be the theme of the weekend.

As physical chemistry was still present, hormones were super high but I was very hesitant to become physically engaged during this trip. Initially the reason was my cycle did not end until Saturday (I arrived Friday afternoon).  However, once things did not 'pop off' the first night I started to notice changes in his behavior.  He was less flirty, less talkative, more distant and at one point, mentioned that I should spend some time with my friends in ATL as he is used to living alone and not having to entertain guests so ... *DISCLAIMER:  please excuse my language...* But WHAT IN THE HOT DAMN?!  This trip was HIS idea.  It was HIS idea for me to be in his space, in his apartment, in his city.  This weekend was HIS suggestion THREE times! I specifically asked him about his expectations for the weekend and help with managing mine as I did not want to assume this was a romantic weekend if this was in fact a booty call weekend.  He adamantly denied it being anything close to a booty call weekend - he has feelings for me, he missed me and he cannot wait to spend time with me blah blah blah bullsh*t ... As the classy lady I am (Ok, am working on being), I did not fuss or yell or cry.  I called up my girlfriend and did what I needed to do to make the best of this weekend:  I went shopping (thus the fabulous leather Coach bag and Michael Kors wedges), ate some delicious food, indulged in Godiva, sipped on some drinks and allowed myself to be flirted and complimented by two new men.

The next day I flew home with ZERO regrets!  Not only did I enjoy the time I spent with my girlfriend, but I also had a chance to relax, spoil myself and to see once and for all that this man is NOT the man for me in any capacity - romantic or platonic.  There is no looking back.  And when he does return (because he will - they always do) there will be no fatted calf or gifts in the form of my attention, time or oxygen space.  This is a PAYASO FREE ZONE!

Besides, upon my return home I was greeted with more roses.  Ain't he sweet?  I think he may have missed me ...

Goodbye

Saturday William and I ended our relationship.  Sometimes two good individuals are not good together.  And while there may be love there, love is not enough to maintain a relationship.  So much more is needed in the ingredients of the "glue" that keep a couple together long term.  And when various main ingredients are missing (i.e. communication) the "glue" is bound to be a child safe sticky Elmers glue versus a "super bonding" glue.  Some individuals are better loving each other separately.  William allowed me to see where in my life I can be a better person and I know I have grown while being near him for which I will always be grateful.  I also have a ton of happy memories which were shared with this man ... too many for me to be bitter in any way.

And just when I thought that William would be the only one I would have to say "goodbye" to I had to also say "goodbye" to my colleague Amaka Ojugbana of Nigeria.

Amaka and her 10 month old son, Christopher, died suddenly as their plane crashed on Saturday in Nigeria - 11 miles from their destination.  When I met her in 2009 she was a training participant who spent the breaks planning her upcoming wedding to the love of her life.  She was not the most focused participant, needless to say, but she would "glow" even though she was stressed planning a wedding so far away from home and her fiancee.  In 2010 the Nigerian field office hosted me for the first time as a colleague and I came to provide training and an internal file review.  During work hours Amaka and I did not always see eye to eye but she was determined to make sure I experienced the best of being a woman in Abuja:  dresses and getting my hair done.  She said Nigeria was the first "real African country" I had been to as she did not count the plush South Africa as a true "African experience."  She insisted I get a true African dress made and braids to "prove" I had experienced Africa on this trip.  I had spoken to her Friday about a work matter and to wish her safe travels ...   

This has taught me is LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE:

• NOT FINDING A REASON TO SMILE EVERY SINGLE DAY
• WORRIED ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK
• CRYING MORE THAN LAUGHING
• AT HOME WHEN YOU CAN BE OUT EXPERIENCING LIFE
• STRESSED ABOUT THE THINGS YOU CANNOT CHANGE
• ARGUING ABOUT THE "LITTLE STUFF"
• NOT EXPRESSING LOVE
• NOT TELLING SOMEONE YOU MISS / NEED THEM
• NOT APOLOGIZING
• NOT LETTING GO / HOLDING GRUDGES and above all ... 

NOT PRAISING GOD FOR EVERY BREATH, EVERY SUNRISE YOU WITNESS, EVERY SUNSET YOU SETTLE DOWN TO, EVERY MOMENT YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES AND TAKE FOR GRANTED THAT YOU WILL WAKE UP AND EVERY MORNING YOU DO ...

Chinero, myself and Amaka.  May you rest in peace.

I dedicate this song to ...

I recently started following this very fun and interesting blog:  Man, Wife & Dog (http://manwifeanddog.com/#axzz1ruBMmBra). Ladies, you should stop by the blog. It is quite entertaining, insightful and inspirational.  Especially to someone like me who was single for so long.  One of the (many) flaws about being single for so long is that I sometimes find it hard to express myself vocally.  Not when I am upset, of course haha but when I need to tell him how much I love and appreciate him.

To assist me with this I have decided to complete the "love homework" assignments which are found on Man, Wife & Dog.  Every Tuesday "wife" will put up a love assignment we women can try that might in some way help us better understand, communicate, appreciate and enjoy our relationship.

The assignment this week:  dedicate a song.   The first song I dedicate to William is "I Need You to Survive" by Hezekiah Walker. 

The first time I heard this song was the first Sunday I saw my baby play at church.  The song came at a time where we were constantly arguing and when I heard it I was instantly humbled and my heart heard the message.  A sample of the lyrics:

I pray for you, You pray for me.
I love you, I need you to survive.
I won't harm you with words from my mouth.
I love you, I need you to survive.
(repeat 8 X)

It is his will, that every need be supplied.
You are important to me, I need you to survive

The message is simple:  our relationship is not about us as individuals, it is about a partnership.  And we need each other to survive. Our relationship is not going to survive on physical (lust) but by being built on a strong, spiritual foundation and agreement.  I need to not only pray with William, but pray for him.  Secondly, by respecting each other (even when we are upset).  I need to be very careful about what I say TO and ABOUT William.  And by simply loving William.  Love, not as defined by society, a society in which it is easy to fall in and out of love but as defined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 where it says that love "protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" ...

"I Need You to Survive" by Hezekiah Walker:

 

I am going to dedicate a second song for "extra credit" haha - "It's Love" by Jill Scott. Many of you know how William and I met - in a hotel bar in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia.  I was not paying much attention to the band until they started playing "It's Love" by Jill Scott.  Go-go beat in Ethiopia!?  This VA girl was super happy!  I immediately jumped up and started dancing to rep VA/Luzbooti style.  THAT is when I noticed the drummer.  I thought "Yo dude is crankin'!"  I was introduced to him later that night by one of the lead singers - " This is JR or Speedy, he was on the drums..."  He was busy putting his drums into the vehicle so there was no conversation but he gave me a polite nod and smile.  The next day he introduced himself to me in a local brunch spot and invited me back out to see him play.  I saw the band play again the night before I left Ethiopia.  That night he asked for my card and promised to call me when he was back in the DC area.  I did not expect him to call but he did and here we are 8 months later.  Every time I hear that song it brings a smile to my face.  When I see him play this song it does something to my heart (ok ok maybe my loins -- there is something so SEXY about him playin' this song hm hm hm) ... I do love my Christian Drummer Boy ...

The song in case you do NOT know it ~ It's Love by Jill Scott.

Whole Foods is not a restaurant ...

MEN:  as we are in the midst of a bad economy, it is understandable that you want to impress your boo on a budget.  This being said, please let it be an appropriate suggestion.  When pondering, "Well, what is appropriate?"  This varies.  But the things you need to keep in mind:

1. Age of the woman.  A professional woman in her 30s is not going to want to club hop in the 18+ club ...even if drinks are free for the ladies til midnight.  She is going to be drunk for free and then annoyed at her surroundings and the music.  Perhaps suggest a 21+ lounge or a restaurant with live jazz.
2. Length of the relationship.  It is your first date, do NOT suggest a strip club (DISCLAIMER:  this rule may  not apply if you live in Atlanta but please make it a nicer Gentleman's Club and not something reminiscent of 559 *gracias*).
3. Where you see the relationship going.  If this is a woman you can see as your wife or in the long term, please do not suggest hanging over your boys house to watch the game.  #1 you are hatin' on yourself.  How you ask?  DUH!  She's the only female, she is hot, smart and down to watch football in her favorite team's jersey and tight jeans.  Every time she gets up to get a beer trust one of your boys is up faster than you are to assist her ... classic clown mistake.  Keep your girl to yourself if you like her!  On the flip side, if you only see this as a short term "gig" then taking her to the family Thanksgiving dinner .. INAPPROPRIATE.  

"He suggested what??" MEN, do not make the same mistakes of the CLOWNS before you:

• Suggestion:  "Let's go to Whole Foods for dinner."  This was told to me by a friend and I was in shock.  WTF did he mean by "...for dinner?"  Did this mean he wanted her input on groceries and he was going to cook for her?  Hell no it didn't!  The clown was suggesting they eat at Whole Foods like a sit down restaurant!  In his 30s he suggested this??  Not his fault, when I read the link on their site (http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/stores/departments/prepared-foods.php) I too was convinced for ten seconds that Whole Foods was a classy place to take someone.  While I am a fan of their hot/cold food bar, their delicious desserts and refreshing organic drinks this as a date suggestion is inappropriate.  Especially a FIRST DATE suggestion.  Better yet, for ANY number of dates its inappropriate.  MEN:  Just because Whole Foods has someone to greet you at the door, chairs and tables to sit and food for sale does NOT make it a restaurant nor an appropriate date suggestion.  And any woman who gladly accepts this is desperate and will stalk you in the near future.  Asking her to accompany you as you grocery shop ... and only because you plan to make dinner for her is the only reason you should suggest going to Whole Foods as part of a romantic outing.

•  Suggestion: "Let's just stay in and watch a movie at your place."  Ah the classic "Im tryna hit tonight" move.  #1 this is an inappropriate suggestion to any woman unless you are in a monogamous relationship ... or #2 you have mutually established your relationship is "friends with benefits."  For the classy woman this suggestion, men, makes you look cheap (aka broke), like you are trying too hard to get some (aka a whore) and homeless (aka why can't we watch it at YOUR place?  Live with mom or the other chic?).  MEN:  If you are trying to make a good impression please wait for the appropriate timing in the relationship.  Another suggestion:  there are cheap movie options besides "at home".  In some parts of the country the $1 movie theater or $1 movie night still exists. Or take her somewhere free ~ a museum, a walk in the park (go to Whole Foods and grab a snack and some of those organic juices) or maybe a local monument.  The point is that the three APPROPRIATE suggestions are cheap or free and do not give the lady a bad impression.  You save face and your pennies.  Budget and reputation are maintained.

• Suggestion: "Let's go to (insert local gay bar)!  They have the best food and drinks!" HUH?  Why are you even asking me out??  Why do you know how great their food and drinks are?? You sound like a "regular".  Is this place your "Cheers"?  Does everyone know your name?  MEN:  This suggestion "outs" you, #1 and #2 let's me know my "gaydar" needs updating and cleaning.  Please move on and find you a good man.

• Suggestion: "Let's go workout together!"  Did you really just ask ME this?  OK I do not know how to even respond.  We did not meet at the gym.  I am not built like a "gym rat."  So my only conclusion is that you are trying to make sure I work out to become the type of woman you REALLY like physically.  MEN:  There is no saving you on this suggestion.  Unless you meet the woman IN the gym, the gym is a super dooper inappropriate suggestion...especially to the curvy female.

• Suggestion: "I hear there is a Black History/Slave Exhibit at the museum.  We should totally go!"  Don't you love that suggestion from a potential white beau?  They are trying to get to know your history my Black Queen .. Soul Sister .. ugh.  PSA to WHITE MEN who date BLACK WOMEN:  this suggestion is AWKWARD.  Picture it:  we go, all is well until you get to that slave exhibit.  Then you see your last name on prominent slave owners listing and photos of your great great grandaddy who was loving referred to as "Big Daddy" and you try to cover it up by leaning on it or pushing her to the next area of the museum.  But she sees it.  Then here come the justifications, such as "I would have never owned a slave!", "I am disgusted at what my family did to your people" or "I would have been right there with the white freedom riders!"  NO YOU WOULDN'T HAVE!  ROFL.  You would owned a slave ~ you would not have rebelled against your family's wealth and power.  Now, you might have had a chocolate luva (i.e Jefferson / Sallie Hemmings) but you still would have been a slave owner. So stop telling those lies.  Stop living in a "if I was living then" reality and just skip suggesting this outing.  MEN:  Let her go on this date with her other Black friends. A friendlier historic suggestion:  the Holocaust Museum .. unless she is Jewish.  Better yet, just suggest the view from the top of the Washington Monument, Statue of Liberty or Eiffel Tower...

These are my top ridiculous suggestions.  LADIES:  I am sure you may have experienced one which is not similar to what I have detailed so feel free to SHARE as a comment below!  MEN:  I am sure that you know what to avoid and why.  No need to thank me.  I am glad to be of service.