Thoughts in a quiet house ...

This blog is supposed to detail my life traveling, working and living in Africa.  With a sprinkling of my dating life.  I admit I have neglected blogging about the latter.  Maybe more openness in 2016.

Daddy and I, CAU graduation

But today, tonight the root of my sadness is the void I feel now that my Daddy is not on this Earth. After a loved one passes people comfort you with words of "...they are always with you..." or "....they are in a better place, with the Lord." and on certain days, those words are helpful, are appreciated. But for me those days are maybe 10% of the 90% of the days I wake up.  

It really is about the little things.  Things that actually are not little because they are every day things.  Every day things like him making coffee and breakfast.  Every day things like him cleaning the kitchen after a family party at the house.  Every day things like him ironing my Sunday church clothes or him polishing my shoes. Every day comments like, "Baby girl, you are spoiled.  How are you going to find a man that cooks, cleans, irons and polishes shoes?!"  haha "I probably won't Daddy. That is why I come here every weekend *we laugh*" I miss that laugh ... I miss him shaking his head thinking "I have spoiled her ..."

This past holiday season it was very hard to celebrate without my Daddy.  I was just not in the mood. I did not feel like shopping.  I did not feel like wrapping gifts.  I did not feel like listing to solid gold oldies.  I did not feel like laughing.  And in all honestly, a strong rum and coke ... or a few of them ... helped me force a smile, "feel" the holiday spirit.  Then one Sunday with all intentions of going to the 10:30a service at my home church, Grace (Grace Church, Dumfries VA), I woke up, naturally, early. This is not me.  So I listened to my Spirit, dressed and attended the 8:30am service.  My Bishop, Bishop Grier, spoke of JOY.  Pertinent sermon or message, short, I realized I HAD LOST MY JOY.  

Oh there is a sour dating situation that contributed to a minor loss of joy but much of my joy was drained with the passing of my Daddy.  I was not only sad, bitter, perhaps depressed but also jealous. I took sharp notice to those who had their fathers after the age of 60. I was angry + jealous.  WHY did THEY deserve to have THEIR fathers longer?  HOW could my Daddy have fulfilled HIS purpose?  WHY was MY Daddy not permitted to walk me down the aisle, meet my children, his grandchildren ... why was I not permitted those memories?  When I accepted the job in Zambia, much of my career was discussed with my Daddy.  Why was he not not going to be around when I finally came home after my time in Zambia?  It is not that I was angry with God.  I just had questions. Questions that came with tears, heartache like I have never known and as I mentioned before, bitterness.  My "joy tank" was on E.  I was on fumes.  

God is not only good - He is SUPER.  I KNOW he got me out of bed early to ensure I was at that service on THAT Sunday.  I know he was pulling me up to the "tank" to be JOYFULLY and SPIRITUALLY refilled.  On FULL.  And what I have learned since then in talking to women of my Grace family, is that it is OK to ask God these questions.  It is not OK, however, to lose the joy with which God is constantly trying to fill me.  

Every single day is a struggle to not allow that God given joy to be depleted.  Every single day I miss my Daddy and some days are worse than others.  Some days, yes, I do need 2 glasses of wine to sleep through the night.  It is easier than crying myself to sleep - pillow wet, unable to catch my breathe as I cry "Daddy, why did you leave me.  Why Daddy, why are you gone?"  And I know it is not fair to blame him. I know that God makes not mistakes.  I guess I just wish God would whisper in my ear, "Phoebe, I promise, he did not leave before his  purpose was complete."  Some days I just need that spiritual confirmation.  

Seven months before my Daddy passed, my grandmother - his mother - passed.  From cancer.  And I admit, while I did cry as I left for Zambia, knowing I may not see her again ... I did cry when I heard she passed ... and I cried the week of her funeral knowing I could not be there ( I had just moved to Zambia).  But I smiled/still smile also.  Seeing grandma in pain, sleepy, not eating, just wanting to be in peace ... her passing hurt but I was relieved she was no longer in pain.  No longer sleepy, just sleeping in the arms of her Savior.  Pain-free.  It is easy to laugh at memories with her - even the ones where she got on my nerves haha

People say, "I know he left suddenly and that hurts, but better for that to happen versus him being in pain, suffering, weak, unable to care for himself in a hospital or hospice, etc. etc."  But I guess I do not agree.  Selfishly, VERY selfishly, I believe that would have been an easier situation.  Seeing him pass and out of pain would have been a RELIEF.  A blessing.  I would have mourned the same but the pain would have been easier. 

Today I finally returned to Zambia.  Alone.  A quiet house.  It has not been this quiet since early November.  When I returned to Zambia after we buried by Daddy I knew flying back to Zambia, I would not be alone.  I was expecting a guest (who was special then but is just simply trash now ha maybe another blog entry?) and my Mom.  I know my home would be noisy, filled with love, hope, the idea of moving forward.  That is not how I felt returning today.  Today as I sat on the plane, collected by bags and rode in the Embassy vehicle to my home, I knew it would be quiet.  I would return home to nobody.  I have been home for 10 hours and in the silence I can tell you I have only thought about my Daddy.  I have just missed him so much today...but I anticipated this feeling...

My best friend and I created our 2016 Vision Boards a few days ago.  It took me a while to start mine as many of my friends and family complete there Vision Boards at my NYE party (that was the theme - main attraction).  But I was trying to think - pray - about what could I possibly look forward to in this new year?  I have often thought HOW is it possible for me to be the same person - laughing, dancing, hopeful for what is to come next ... but FINALLY, I did complete my Vision Board. Finally, I think I have enough hope, enough laughter, enough love to push me through and be EXCITED about 2016.

I know I will have my rough days.  My sad days.  Nights where I may cry myself to sleep.  But I am equipped with scripture, family phone tree and my vision board to see me through those days. Today, tonight, sucks.  It just sucks.  I am looking over and over again at photos of my Daddy, emails he sent me and especially the very last email he sent me anticipating his birthday and me coming home for Christmas...I no longer have a paper diary.  This blog is my diary - an open diary.  Because this night is part of my overall experience.  Don't judge me.  Don't feel sorry for me.  Just pray for me.  And if you are not the praying kind, keep me in your positive thoughts.  I need all happy, blessed vibes.

Happy days in 2016 from Zambia.

XO, Phoebe

We miss you Daddy ....