'Til Death Do You Part?

This morning I volunteered with the ladies (and 2 men) in the Singles Ministry at Grace Church.  We spent two hours at a nursing home in the area.  I expected to sit, chat and laugh with the residents.  Maybe play some bingo or do crafts in the common room. 

After checking in, we were paired up and on our way to spread smiles around the nursing home!  My 'buddy' and I sat with three interesting and animated women:  Ms. Pat from West Virginia, Ms. Ester from New Jersey and Ms. Mildred from North Carolina.  We entered each room with a "hello" and a smile across my face.  The three women opened up almost immediately returning the greeting and smiles.  They also spoke candidly, without a filter. And as women tend to do, they quickly inquired about our personal lives, and us into theirs.  And I am glad we experienced this exchange as I believe it enhanced our experience.  We not only experienced great conversation and laughter but also received some words of wisdom on LOVE and MARRIAGE.

Ms. Pat on love and marriage:  "Never get married!  I have been single for a long time and plan to die happily that way!"  When we asked Ms. Pat why she would say this she bluntly explained, "Because those muthaf*ckas change!  My husband was ugly, mean, selfish ..."  My 'buddy' asked her, "But you were in love once ... what made you fall in love with him?"  Ms Pat shared, "We met young - he was in the Navy.  I do not remember how we met but we were both from West Virginia.  His father was a Navy man too!  Oh he looked good in a uniform!  He was so handsome.  So sweet. Then he became a wife beater and the hands (pause) the hands he used to love me with he started putting around my neck.  He changed.  He went from loving me to beating me. (pause) I never cheated on him.  I was a married woman - married to a monster, but married.  I finally left.  Left to save the 5 kids we had.  I had to save the kids ..." she trailed off and silence followed for a few brief moments.  Just as abruptly as she started her advice, she ended it, moving on to discuss the pending verdict in the Zimmerman case which was on the TV in the background. Her candid advice and story made me think, "Do you ever know a person well enough to predict the changes which may occur in their personality as they grow older?"  Or do we miss key red flags because of their physical appearance, never looking past the superficial layer of skin to truly see into the heart and soul of a person?  Never taking time to notice key personality traits and how they express those:  how do they express love? hate? anger? Are you ok with how they express their emotions?  Change is to be expected - especially if you are with a person for a long period of time.  The key is KNOWING who you are dating and may marry. Advice which we received from Ms. Ester.

Ms. Ester on love and marriage: "Fish around!"  Her advice was specific:

• "Know your man!  What does he like to do?  What does he like to eat?  Where does he like to go?  If a man feels as though you KNOW him, you will have him.  And when you have that fish on the line, slowly pull him in by being supportive of things he likes to do, cooking what he likes to eat and joining him in places he likes to go."
• "Men love to be spoiled.  They are like babies.  They need to be fed, require lots of attention and when they 'cry' know what they want to shut them up!"
• "Men love hair - keep your hair nice."
• "Expect only two things:  respect and understanding.  Not love.  You may not love him every day and he may not love you everyday but if you understand each other - that is key.  And respect.  There are no 'bosses' in a marriage.  Understand how your mate is and respect that.  If you have those two things...happiness...and happiness is a good thing!" and finally, 
• "Marry a man with money!  In a marriage you are going to need and want a lot of things.  A broke man can't do nothing for you!  (She ain't never lied!) Even if you both work, he needs to have some money!  And if you find this man with money, let me know if he has a grandfather!" I got you Ms. Ester! haha

When I asked Ms. Ester how many years she spent with her husband she said, "Too many to count.  One day I was graduating from high school and the next day I was married to my sweetheart. We were happy for a very long time (pause) ... until we divorced.  I cannot remember how long we were married when we divorced...he found someone else that he loved more than me.  And that was ok.  I understood him ... I was also doing my thing and he understood me.  I was not angry - it was ok."  It was the 'death' of fidelity and love which parted Ms. Ester from her husband.  Even though they divorced, Ms. Ester smiled when she spoke of her years in marriage.  By her story, respect and understanding survived which allowed the divorced to be as amicable as it could be. As Ms. Ester was telling her story I noticed the eyes of her roommate, Ms. Mildred.  She was staring off, blinking slowly as if she were in another place, her mind occupied.  What is on her mind?  What does she have to say about love and marriage?  There was 45 minutes left to visit and I planned to ask.  I am glad she was the last to speak on love and marriage ...

Ms. Mildred on  love and marriage:  Ms. Mildred is a quiet woman who recently celebrated her 101st birthday.  You would expect someone at her age to suffer from memory loss, loss of certain physical abilities and in pain.  But Ms. Mildred remained sitting straight up in her bed, sipping her chocolate Ensure for breakfast following our conversation with Ms. Ester offering moments of short chuckles and head nods.  She spoke clearly when addressed and made perfect lady like eye contact so that you knew she was listening to your every word.  After her roommate, Ester, finished sharing her advice on love and marriage I asked the 101-year old Mildred how many years she shared with her husband.  In a soft, but clear voice, she replied, "I cannot count the years of our marriage.  I have been married for a very long long time.  For as long as I can remember I have been one with that man."  She spoke of him in present tense even though her husband died many years ago.  The only jewelry she wore was a gold cross around her neck, no wedding ring, but his pictures and the pictures of their children, grand children and great grand children surrounded her.   She still remains 'one' with him through her memories and her heart.  While his body is physically not beside her as her husband, their love remains within her - her spirit, her being.  Death has not parted her from her lifelong spouse.  "Until death do you part..." is not true for Mildred.  While death as parted her from her spouse physically, it has not parted her from him emotionally and she continues to love him every day of her life.

Living, dating and loving in a superficial, self-gratifying, self-centered generation/society, I do not know if I will be as blessed as Ms. Mildred to meet my 'forever love' but the pieces of advice I am taking away from my visit today:  1) get to know your partner, 2) respect what you learn, 3) take time to understand them as they are and 4) expect nothing, cherish everything.  #lovewisdom  I look forward to visiting these ladies again in the near future!  Have a great Saturday! *sips frozen margarita*

Destination: Uganda, “The Pearl of Africa”

From our hotel, each morning as we sip our fresh squeezed juice, eat croissant and fruit we stare into a beautiful, serene view.  If you did not know the history of Kampala, you would not realize that the water tanks seen in the view were used by Idi Amin to drown many of his victims.  Unfortunately, when you say “Uganda” many think of the 8 years of terror inflicted upon the people by Idi Amin.  It is said approximately 300,000 people were killed during this time: farmers, students, clerks, cabinet ministers, Supreme Court judges, diplomats, university rectors, educators, prominent churchmen, hospital directors, surgeons, bankers, tribal leaders, business executives and shopkeepers who were shot, drowned in water towers or forced to bludgeon one another to death by members of death squads.   

View of water tanks in Kampala

But with its location in close proximity to the Nile River, remarkable weather, entertaining nightlife, a variety of places to dine and a rich cultural heritage, Uganda has a lot to offer those in country for work and/or fun.  

Uganda is a landlocked country in East Africa bordered on the west by Congo, on the north by the Sudan, on the east by Kenya, and on the south by Tanzania and Rwanda.  After a visit in the early 1900s, Sir Winston Churchill described Uganda “the Pearl of Africa.”  And with stunning green valleys, vast lakes, tall mountains and a high altitude which gives it a cooler climate than other places on the equator, one can understand why.  This week the weather has been ideal with temperatures reaching high 70s in the day (no humidity) and low 70s, high 60s at night.  

I arrived Monday night, June 10.  After traveling over 24 hours the first thing I wanted to do was take a hot shower.  I was beyond impressed with the hotel ‘room’ at the Royal Suites in Kampala.  The ‘room’ is actually a one bedroom apartment with a full kitchen, a small balcony, a bathroom with tub and shower.  On the premises is a restaurant, bar, swimming pool, gym and spa.  And for $15 you can enjoy a one hour massage.  Add another $5 for an extra 30 minutes!  Overall, with a rate of $150/night the Royal Suites is reasonably priced and located in a quiet location surrounded by foreign aid offices, warehouses and restaurants.  

Welcome to the Royal Suites

Saturday my colleagues and I were joined by friends and attended a soccer game:  Uganda vs. Angola.  It was a qualifier game for the World Cup 2014.   The stadium was crowded, fans were passionate and desperate to see their team win.  The first half did NOT look good for Uganda with the half ending Uganda – 0, Angola – 1.  But with less than 15 minutes to go in the second half Uganda hit one and then TWO goals guaranteeing the win! Needless to say it was quite exciting.  We cheered, jumped, danced, some men took their shirts off, some men sprayed neighboring fans with beer and soda but all (with the exception of Angola fans) were celebrating the unexpected (based on the performance in the first half) victory.

My colleague and I before the match

The final score:  Uganda - 2, Angola - 1.

On our way out we joined the crowd on the streets walking briskly to our car witnessing dancing in the street, waving of the Ugandan flag and then out of nowhere I look to my right as man is running after another man claiming the latter has his wallet.  Seconds later someone ran up to me and grabbed my water bottle and camera out of my hand.  I turned and screamed “He has my camera!”  But he didn’t.  A friend accompanying us to the game had been behind me and snatched the camera out of the would be thief’s hands.  I was shaken and later realized I was wounded with a cut on my left hand.   

My "I was almost mugged" wound

Everywhere I have been, the countries I have seen, the cities I have explored, the alley ways in London I have walked, the streets of Paris  I have strolled, the sidewalks in DC I have stumbled on with fellow female friends after a night out at a restaurant or bar, the exhausted moments on the street while hailing of a cab after dancing until 6am in Cote d'Ivoire ... but it was here, in Uganda, in the midst of a celebration, I was almost mugged!  In the car on the way back to the hotel I sat silent thinking “how unfortunate…”  Exhausted from the day’s events I enjoyed a drink and homecooked meal prepared by my colleague and by 10p I retired to my apartment, took a hot shower, poured glass of Amarula, tucked myself in and read a book.  This upcoming week will be filled with working hard in the day, eating good at night and preparing myself (mentally) for rafting in Jinja.  But that is another blog entry … stay tuned and enjoy the photos taken my first week in Uganda, the Pearl of Africa.

Typical 'taxi' here in Kampala - "borda borda"

 

Traffic is a worldwide issue ...

Tin rooftop view

In the 'Soweto Slum' which is behind our hotel

City view

Another view in the Pearl of Africa.

Control Issues

Since I was promoted in July of last year I have constantly been losing sleep because I stress /dream about work.  And not just about what I do day to day but thinking about meetings I attended, decisions that were made, emails that were sent and then planning for the worst case scenario/outcome of these scenarios and then trying to resolve that scenario...that has only happened on my mind...in my dream. A month ago was another night I lost sleep over something that hasn't happened but I spent the night tossing and turning about what if the worse happens, what if my boss overturns my decision, what if my boss is disappointed with  my actions - what would I do, just in case...  The next morning I had a conversation with my sane colleague/friend about those thoughts / dreams and about how much anxiety they cause me. She suggested I figure out WHY I'm trying to be in control all the time (cue Janet Jackson).  These scenarios haven't happened in REALITY...may never happen and yet I'm trying to control the outcome "just in case". Why do I need to be on control?  Don't I realize that I wouldn't have been promoted had I not demonstrated the ability to do this job? That everyone is not going to be my biggest fan or always agree with me but to deal with that when it comes not IF it MAY come. She's right (she's the sane one) - it takes more energy to resolve a 'what if' issue in my mind than to deal with it when it actually happens. Why stress about something that hasn't even happened? My response has always been "preparing for worse case scenario..." but as a child of God, who has been blessed many times over, why am I even preparing for such a scenario? Every professional bump I've experienced or hurdle I've had to jump has prepared me for bigger and better. Those things were God preparing me for the next level on my career. And then in the shower, hours later after the conversation, I was listening to Moving Forward by Israel and the New Breed and it HIT me. It hit me so hard all I could do was weep. I have not moved forward. I've allowed situations in my personal life to affect me this way. I'm trying to control these professional 'what if scenarios' because I cannot control my emotions, the emotions of others, my love life...

... you see I'm THAT woman that wears her heart on her sleeve.  Over and over again.  I seem to never learn.  I keep saying "Love as though you have never been hurt ... love as though you have never been hurt."  But that is an idiotic slogan that some pseudo super woman made up.  Loving as though you have never been hurt is not learning from what hurt you in the past - it is not using wisdom.  Proverbs 4:6 says "Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you."  I have completely lost control of my love life because I have not been using wisdom.  I have not been selective.  Why have I not been selective?  Oh because there is that other ridiculous notion of "You never know who God put on this Earth for you so be open!"  Proverbs 4:23 states, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."  A guarded heart is NOT an open heart.  It does not remain open in hopes of just any and everybody walkin' on in.  No.  It is guarded because it is selective on who enters.  My heart has not been an "only for the super exclusive clientele" guarded heart.  Especially since I do  not believe God put one person on this Earth for us.  Throughout the Bible God gives us / man choices.  We need to use the wisdom that God instructed us to use to be selective. Select the mate that would be approved by God - a man that deserves a tour of the guarded heart.  Every man that approaches me with a smile, a home church and a promise of good intentions does not need to receive my number, time or attention.  I have come to realize that if I had been more selective in the past I would have been able to truly control the amount of times I have experienced hurt, "Extra emotional baggage, please!" The old saying "Follow your gut" - of this I am a fan.  I believe the 'gut' our mothers and grandmothers are referring to is our Spirit.  It is the core of wisdom nagging us to say "no no move on -- dont do it -- leave it alone!"  I have said it before and I will say it again, attention from everyone is not healthy.  I have truly found that "rejection is sometimes God's protection."  Stop looking back - stop hoping a bad situation will get better - move on.  Yes rejection hurts but a broken heart along with knowing you have wasted time with the wrong person is a pain that lingers and is stored in a piece of that emotional baggage.  I have sought control in other areas of my life because I have lost control in this area.  And yet when I 'let go and let God' in my career, my job not only became a career but it became the career in which I only dreamed:  to travel around the world offering education.  My dream was so small as my dream was confined to South and Central America.  God blew that up and now I have seen places in Africa, Asia and Europe.  I have finally, FINALLY come to realize that it is time I 'let go and let God' take care of my love life.  Relax Phoebe - allow God to guard your heart.  He will let me know when its time to open it and allow a worthy man on a tour.

Move forward - without the baggage.  It is easier to 'see' what is ahead of you when you are not looking back ... So here is ya'lls EVICTION NOTICE! Men who have hurt me - you are no longer allowed to stay in my heart and/or mind.  The need to 'control' ...that is something I will have to pray about and work on but thank God for His wisdom and putting it on my heart through the advice and kind words of a friend.  #invaluable.

Happy Birthday Adam G Poole

In September 1990 I met Adam Poole.  Those who know me - who know us - you know the story.  Today Adam would have been 34 years old.  Today, if it was like any other birthday, we would have celebrated with good food, strong drinks and foolishness surrounded by friends and loved ones.  But those who know - you know today has not been like any other day for almost 9 years.  Today we celebrate what would have been - what could have been - been another year in the life of Adam Poole.

In cleaning out an old chest my mom found a poem that I wrote September 17 1990.  Title "Best Friends".  Funny how one forgets what they have written, thoughts they treasured so deeply they felt the need to write them down only to bury them in a chest - my chest / heart - for 23 years.  Funny how vulnerable and open we are in our youth -- how easily we feel and express love, without regret.  Sad how we lose this innocence as we age.  Today would have been the 34th year of my best friend.  I have not befriended anyone else as easy or loved a man so deeply as I loved Adam G. Poole.  And I know I won't.  Because the love you experience in your youth - pure, innocent, unassuming, expecting nothing ... the walls of age and heartache experienced block that kind of love from happening again.  When I met Adam I knew I had met my best friend.  And in such confidence I chose not to listen to the teacher but to write this in #2 pencil September 17, 1990:

My Best Friend
What are 'best friends'?
'Best friend' is a friendship that will never end.
You meet unexpectedly
Expecting nothing
Never knowing what will be
But positive that 'best friends' are you and me
Everyday something new to share
Confiding everything in each other as only best friends would dare
Today is my favorite day - a day I didn't want to end
Because today we decided that we were best friends.

Happy birthday Adam Grayson Poole.  Happy birthday to my best friend.
Always,
Phoebe

Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic

Every year I escape the winter weather of the month in which I was born to celebrate my birthday in Dominican Republic.  Usually the group stays on an all-inclusive resort.  This year I wanted my loved ones to experience something different -- something which I have experienced -- a glimpse into the country I refer to as my 'soul mate.'  The day after my birthday we paid $105 for an all day excursion to Santo Domingo.  It was well worth it!  I had not walked the streets of Santo Domingo since 2010 so I was excited to be back! 

Santo Domingo de Guzmán is the capital of the Dominican Republic, the oldest continuously inhabited European settlement in the Americas and one of the most populous cities in the Caribbean. I love this city because there is such a mix of opposites:  old world meets modern times -- medieval palaces, 16th century churches and fortresses are found amongst city streets lined with swanky condos and expensive luxury vehicles.  Natural caves have been renovated to sophisticated restaurants serving traditional dishes.  The sound of clear, blue waves crashing on the beach mix with with the sexy beats of merengue, bachata and the clink of red-bottomed heels walking the cobblestone streets.

Street in Santo Domingo

A man in the park, Santo Domingo

Street in Santo Domingo

This year, while I'm not from Dominican Republic, I felt a sense of happiness to know that three of my loved ones will experience a city that I absolutely love and know so much about.  With every place we were able to visit, every sound we heard, every photo we snapped I would look at the faces of my loved ones and take pride in the look of curiosity, happiness and amazement I would see come across their face, in their eyes. Know they will know why in this country I am in my purest, happiest form.  Why this city is part of that joy.  We were told we would leave at 615am, arrive in Santo Domingo at 830a, leave at 4p and be back at the hotel by 6p.  What actually transpired:  leave by 615am, pick up other tourists, arrive in Santo Domingo by 10am, leave at 5pm and arrive to hotel at 9pm.  And though it was a long day, we definitely saw our $105 worth of the city.

Faro a Colón was our first stop. Construction began in 1986 with the monument being inaugurated in 1992. The monument's lighthouse projects beams of light, forming a cross shape, which are so powerful they can be seen from neighboring Puerto Rico!  The lighthouse serves as a museum and mausoleum housing the remains for Christopher Columbus.  The monument is cross-shaped and represents the Christianization of the Americas.

Where the remains of Christopher Columbus rests

Columbus Coat of Arms

Afterward we drove through 'Chinatown.'  The guide informed us that there are two traditional Chinese gateways which mark the entrances to Santo Domingo’s Chinatown along Avenida Duarte, one with the plaque that says “四海为家” (Home everywhere). Shops in Chinatown sell general merchandise mostly imported from China.  There are 60+ businesses run by Chinese immigrants within 'Chinatown."  The guide also informed us that there are a recorded 60k Chinese immigrants living in Dominican Republic today.  While we were in Chinatown one of our guides, Carlos, plucked a fragrant flower from a tree.  You couldn't even see the flower from the bus.  But when he returned to the bus, he ripped the flower so petals were halved causing the amazing fragrance to fill the vehicle. 

Obtaining the flower

Petals in my hand

After passing through Chinatown we stopped at Monasterio de San Francisco.  The Monestary was built around 1508, with the arrival of the Franciscan fathers. The ruin is is located in the Zona Colonial and is a beloved landmark of the city.  Beautiful in its prime, it was the victim of various natural disasters and eventually converted to an asylum. Beneath the monastery was a crypt where purportedly the remains of Christopher Columbus' brother, Bartholomew, were laid to rest.  His remains, among others, were moved after the monastery was ultimately abandoned in the 1930s after destruction caused by another hurricane was never repaired. 

Next up, another amazing destination in Santo Domingo:  Catedral Santa María La Menor, referred to as La Catedral Primada de América (reputed to be the first cathedral in the Americas).  Located  in Zona Colonial of Santo Domingo, the Cathedral was founded by the Spaniards between 1514 and 1544. The interior is very well maintained, polished, absolutely beautiful. There was an old jail  located behind the cathedral.  It was said that if a prisoner escaped the jail and touched a cross on the wall near the main entrance they were exonerated of all crimes.  Salvation here on earth.  Before the Faro a Colón was built, this beautiful cathedral was also the resting place of the remains of Christopher Columbus and his son. 

Renovations

Sacrifice

From the Nativity Scene

Alpha & Omega

Upon leaving the Cathedral we entered the Parque Colon.  In the center stands a statue of Christopher Columbus pointing into the horizon.  At his feet is a young Taino woman, Anacaona, who was the first native woman to learn to read and write.  She is writing his name under his feet at the base of the statue.  I will hold my personal opinion to myself - enjoy the beautiful bronze structure. 

The last stop was Los Tres Ojos.  Los Tres Ojos was created centuries ago as a result of tectonic fractures when underground caves collapsed, forming a bowl-shaped depression which subsequently filled with water. Initially, the cave was inhabited by the indigenous Taíno Indians who were the first inhabitants of the Hispaniola island.  The women gathered to bathe separately in the "El Lago de las Mujeres."  Today, legend has it that any person who touches the waters will have luck in life and of course, love.  Any engaged couple is encouraged to dip their hands into the still, blue waters. I'm single but I still dipped BOTH HANDS in the water!

As you can see it was a very long day!  What is not captured is the 15 minutes I spent bargaining with a man on the street in a sale of 5 bachata CDs (originally 5/$20, I procured them 5/$10 which is closer to what they were worth) or the delicious meal of "bandera de pollo" at Meson de la Cava.  A wonderful restaurant situated inside of a cave, it is decorated with artwork capturing the life of the indigenous people of the island.  We didn't take photos of the mamajuana sample enjoyed as we bought souvenirs or the funny stories shared with us by our tour guides.

If you are ever in Dominican Republic, allow me to suggest a tour or a walk around this beautiful city.  Please enjoy other photos snapped as we walked through the city - Santo Domingo de Guzmán.

Calle Las Damas is named after the ladies-in-waiting of the
Viceroy's wife who took their afternoon stroll down this street.

National Palace.  Houses the Executive Branch

View from the top of Meson de la Cava.